Its that time of the year again. Back when I was young, the me I imagined was nothing like the me I am currently. Was it because I was naive when I was young or have I really just failed terribly in life beats me. What I do know however, is that regardless or being 5,10 or 15. I shouldn't be in this position when I'm twenty. Young ambitions given up upon the slightest unsolvable problems. Now which direction in life am I looking at, I have no idea. It is as though whatever the teachers said about getting to what you want to become meant nothing. I take a close look at the me now, its agonizing. While others have either excelled in one thing or the other, I find that I am just average. For everything. Others have found that one thing they are good at by this age. And have ambitions and work hard towards it. But I am just left behind thinking there is nothing good that I can do that is worth investing my future in. I thought I was smart. Apparently not. The other thing I discovered in this cruel life, is that working hard is a talent. People have said that if you can't do something well, put in effort, work hard for it and you too, can excel in it. We all believed it. What we failed to realize is that not everyone can work hard. It might not seem so hard to get down to run ten kilometers everyday when you completed your first ten. But its always maintaining that's hard. Its easy to suddenly study for ten hours at a go. But how often, how many times can one do it? A hardworking person? Maybe 5 times a week, an average person? Probably 2-3 times a week. Pitiful me? Probably none. This is not a world I'm suited to live in. Sometimes I feel that I should experience the stress-free environments in places no one knows me. Where I have to do work, purely, purely because I have live. Where If I don't work I can't get meals. Maybe then I will work hard?

做好人，做不到百分百，做坏人，又不够恨。两头不着岸，只好在其中胡闹。

I keep thinking how long I can put off coming back here. Yes, it's my sanctuary, it's probably the safest and only place I can go to without much worries in my saddest times. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself. I understand that every single time I come here, is a sign of weakness, is the me in reality unable to cope with the reality around me. So perhaps all this is the maximum I will indulge myself in, for now.

It's this kind of times where I always feel really depressed and lost. Perhaps they're all right, maybe doing the right things as much as possible is really the wrong thing to do. Maybe those we've labelled as slackers, losers and weak have been smarter than us all along. Or is it just me?

Why is it that no matter how much effort I put in, I am still behind others?