The thing about gaming is that it hones your on-the-spot decision making so much so that you are so comfortable, so trusting about your own quick thinking that you procrastinate till the last second to do it even if the luxury of time and planning is given.

Which is probably why the fail to plan, plan to fail.

Humans are creatures of habit. It's probably something we all knew and expect, even for the fun-seeking, yolo-claiming youths with hot blood coursing through their veins.

The point is that we don't like change. We like to conform to what we know best, do what always work, and only be creative when the our default actions don't work.

So one fine day when I was shores away, my friend exclaimed that he is a excessive creature of habit that is extremely unwilling to react to change and "try something new". So here's a snippet of our conversation (From what I remembered and interpreted from my point of view, does not represent actual words being exchanged but only representative of those words.)

Friend: I'm a creature of habit luh
Me: So you don't like change?
Friend: Yeah, like to stick with my choices
Me: hmmm

.... awhile later....

Me: What about progress? Do you like progress?
-thinks for awhile-
Friend: Yeah I like progress.
Me: Then isn't progress just positive change? How can we like progress and dislike change?

And yep, that's the very question that till now I'm still thinking about. If I'm expected to answer right now, my reply would probably be the following.

Yes progress is just positive change. However, progress is determined after the effects of change is observed. Construction sites you see around the neighborhood is change, progress is the increased amount of homes available for the people. Yes we dislike change, just like how we hate the drillings in the morning, the piping on the roads when we're driving, but no, we do not despise progress. When all's said and done, we do like progress, just like all the skyscrapers we can see in our city. After all, it is the ends that justifies the means.

In fact, it is extremely contradictory to the popular belief that the process is what really matters. Especially if the ends justify the means. And the truth is we have seen that way too many times. Whether a rebellion is determined as a revolution or rebellion is through the eventual winner with the power. Whether a crusade is justified depends on the accomplishment of the objectives. Whether an unfortunate incident is determined as a misfortune or a blessing in disguise is dependent on later events we can't fathom now. Whether a drama is a tragedy or a comedy depends on its ending.

Whether change is determined as progress or otherwise depends on the final equilibrium.

It's not what we do when we're uncomfortable that's scary, but rather the direct opposite.

In uncomfortable situations, we are often forced, or encouraged to change the situation, be in through unusual behavior, or creative problem solving skills. In short, we are not being ourselves when we stuck in uncomfortable situations. Contrary to belief where the unpredictability associated with discomfort is often what causes many seemingly illogical actions to be questioned and feared, I feel that being overly comfy is what really scares me.

When one is overly comfy, we tend to take liberties that we otherwise would not have, and the worse part is, it is more often than not subconscious decisions rather than active decision making. In other words, when we lack the stress factor, we begin to reveal more and more of our true natural that we probably wanted to, and has been hiding for the most part of our lifes.

At the same time, we might not even be aware of how ridiculous we can get when we get too comfy. To me, this is far more dangerous than the seemingly illogical decisions that one takes in uncomfortable situations. First of all, most people(I think) are able to sense the discomfort of others and hence learn to approach or handle with caution, making disastrous actions or decisions less disastrous. On the other hand, people who get too comfy don't realise it is happening, and similarly, so don't the people around them.

How do we stop ourselves from going too far, if neither us, nor the people around us can sense it?

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Isn't it how people with common enemies seem especially able to bond together?

Such is the viewpoint of my mortality such that I seem to often overlook the goodness is human beings that unfortunately appears inadequate in times of need.

Perhaps if I had been able to look from a bright side, I would realise common enemies bond people together by presenting a common problem. One that often forces people to cooperate and work together to avert the common crisis.

And when its all said and done, they'll think about it just before their heads hit the pillow, and start to appreciate what each of the other has done to help the situation together,  be it good or bad.

I guess such appreciation is what really lacks in our everyday lifes, and in times of need, forces us to really open the eyes we did not want to utilise,  to see the truth that might not be nice.

Then again, at the other side of the spectrum,  I can't help but sigh at the increased hostility that occurs when things don't go to plan in averting the crisis.

For the same problem,  two totally different scenarios might occur, what determines which is happens can be wide and varied, yet at the end of the day, we know its all about fate. Personality, intelligence, reflex, problem -solving skills, language skills,  they are but just chess pieces on the chessboard of fate.

Oh how I wish I could learn the ways of fate, though I probably should be careful of what we wish for. Cause we just might get it all.

Flashback some ten years back, when I in primary school, my favorite teacher asked the class to form a sentence with the phrase '妒忌'. Back then I earnestly raised my hand and said, "小明对他们的羡慕慢慢变成了妒忌 。"

She said it was a very good one because it clearly shows my understanding of the difference between '羡慕' & '妒忌', and the fact that they are distinctly different.

Back then I was but a child, yet already seem so intelligent for my age to many.

Fast forward ten years,  I'm no longer considered a child,  yet that subtle difference between the two grows much small,  and my ability to tell them apart grew much larger.

Did the world change? Or did I change, seemingly not for the better?

The problem with staring from afar is that sometimes, when you care enough, when you decide that distance is something too much to bear, you gather up the courage to go closer, beckon them to come closer and abruptly realize, the reason why you have been staring from afar to begin with.

Still, sometimes you wish you could say,
"Come to me closer."

\

Is the lack of ambition due to lack of ability, or lack of motivation?

Sometimes I think to myself, if right now I had more responsibilities, would I have the same lack of ambition? And the answer is a straightforward, outright no.

What if today we have people to take care of, people who is completely dependent on us whether it be in work, family or friends. How then can we justify the same actions right now that we are doing?

And therefore, how can we justify what we're doing right now, in this point of our life, if we know all along, its because we can afford to, and not because we should?

The past is your textbook, the present, your test, the future, your result. There are no lecturers, professors, teachers, just you in a lonely race. Everyone else you know face the same time, and helping each other can be beneficial, if the present situations are similar.

As time go by, the textbook get thicker, the test gets harder, the results get more uncertain.

More often than not, you realize the textbook is so thick that you can't study everything, but rather try to understand parts of it well, parts of it you hope can help in your test that will bring about a better result.

The test changes all the time, today it might be on general knowledge, tomorrow on people relations, the next time on presentation of speech. And yet the textbook does not change. It's the same old one, just every getting thicker. Sometimes it helps you in the test, sometimes it appears to be totally worthless to the current test.

As for the results, no one knows for sure what you'll get until you actually get it. And yet it always seem so ever important to get a good result, for life isn't a game, but a constant test of your mortal abilities to best yourself. Sometimes, the textbook cover everything tested, the test had questions you thought you knew all the answers too, yet the results still appear way less than desired. And we get baffled over how that happened.

Yet in the end we still turn to that ever-thickening textbook, looking for answers that we don't even know if it really exists, to prepare for a test that we don't even know which topic would come up, just so we can attempt to have a better result that we don't even know what it is for.

How ironic is life?

I once read somewhere that says people should only get into relationships if they are fine living independently, because only in that way, would a partner be value-adding, and not just pure dependence that will damage both parties in the long run.

With regards to that, I daresay I was pretty confident I was ready for one. But now? Not so sure anymore.

Isn't it weird how I felt that being alone was perfectly fine and that any companionship was just a bonus? Its similar to how I wouldn't mind striking the lottery, but I never bothered to buy any lottery tickets. Now that I actually attempted to buy a ticket, not striking the lottery actually makes me feel way worse than if I had never bought it in the first place.

Is it really just the loss of investment that comes back to bite? Or the emotional capital put into it? Personally I don't think so. To me, it feels more like how you look at that lottery ticket, that same one that failed to win you any price money. And think, and pity, and wonder, at all the unfulfilled potential it had. All the price money it could have won, all the happiness you might have been able to buy with that price money. Everything, that never existed in the first place, if one didn't buy the ticket to begin with.

How ironic.