Walk into the Darkness, With Me

2011-12-13T18:19:00.002+08:00

Maybe I've frozen my heart for too long, for I've already forgotten how its like to feel strong emotions.

Maybe, we all are sick people who wish for pain, as it at least reminds us of our mortal existence.

2011-12-04T00:08:00.001+08:00

Clinically depressed:

When you feel sad that the world seems to be happily living ever after and you're the only soul that's suffering.

2011-11-27T19:47:00.002+08:00

每个故事都会有一个主人公。这主人公在故事里，是无法被代替的。故事就环绕着他，各个脚色在故事里都没他重要。

要是你能在故事里成了主人公，那有多好？

但如果你只是故事里的一个小小脚色，只能妄想当一次主人公，滋味会是如何呢？

我们都想当主人公，我们都想有个美丽的结局，我们都羡慕主人公在故事里美丽的展出。却忘了主人公，也不只是个脚色？再美丽也都是作家的成果，再感人的情节也不都是作家的构思？再华丽的主人公，也只有作家笔下功夫才展现地出来，也逃不出作家的文笔。

这和其他人物，有何不同呢？

2011-11-19T18:12:00.003+08:00

Today, its my birthday again. As a practice, I would return here every year on this day if I can help it. For it means a lot to know, somewhere, someplace, I have a sanctuary whenever I need it =).

Perhaps what I should do is to evaluate myself, what I have gone through the past year, what I've learnt, what I've lost?

To begin with, probably is the most obvious loss of freedom through the service of our nation. probably contrary to many's opinion of me, I don't hate serving the country that much. Yes it has its really bad moments, but honestly I feel proud being in green.

Its hard to uphold what I hold in high esteem as compared to what I see in reality.

The real world has so much grey that the black-and-white world with shallow shades of grey I had in mind no longer applies. Perhaps this is the greatest life lesson I've learnt this past year.

Its no longer possible to uphold everything you believe without compromising.

The year spent I've lost many, yet at the same time gained many friends. Unfortunately the lost are more of the female species whilst the gains are largely, if not all males. But even the closest of brothers have innate restrictions.

The past year have also lacked regular/structured studying. I often wonder how I am going to get back to the studying intensity that my peers are going through now. Will I wither and fall away slowly, till it'll never be back?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

If I were to make a "new year resolution", it would probably have to be survive my next year without making much enemies!

For the me today will never accept the world today.

2011-07-23T12:20:00.003+08:00

Army taught me one thing. Even if you aren't happy, wish that others are, and not that they suffer together with you.

Being human, none of us like to be the only one suffering. Whenever bad things happen to us, we wished that it isn't just only us, but have a friend or someone we know to be there, to suffer with us. It kind of makes us feel better that we're not the only one suffering.

But thinking objectively, isn't such a thinking selfish and irresponsible. What you cannot enjoy, you don't want others to enjoy as well. Really mean isn't it?

Since it happened to me so many times, I've really really learnt how to wish deep down that they enjoy what I cannot have, rather than suffer with me together.

2011-07-16T19:50:00.000+08:00

有些事情，看透了，就别再想了。

2011-05-28T16:46:00.001+08:00

And you begin to wonder how the others are so strong when you are so weak.

2011-05-22T01:41:00.000+08:00

欺骗了全世界，始终骗不过自己。

2011-04-28T23:58:00.001+08:00

诚心诚意的千言万语不比几句甜言蜜语。

If what you say isn't what others want to hear, nothing will get through.

2011-04-27T01:32:00.002+08:00

Only when the accused desired the undesired outcome would blaming be acceptable.

Many a times we point fingers, even if its accurate, we do not stand in their shoes and realise they don't want it to happen either. For in our point of view, their mistake resulted in my loss, when I didn't make any mistake. Therefore they are wrong and we are right.

In life this situation happen all the time. A weak team member in any organisation easily fall victim to such unfairness. The incapability of one, should have been considered before any action is taken. When the incapability of one results in the failure of a project, why blame him/her? He/she didn't want it to happen either, whoever released the leash should have considered the dog's behavior, in the most crude sense.

Now putting in this way seems like the one who released the leash is at fault. But then again, he/she probably didn't want it to happen either. We often fail to see that a failure, isn't a one step thing. It is an accumulation of mistakes, negligence by different parties different people that overall causes things to fail.

While not as obvious in reality, it is made inevitable apparent in games that require planning. I once heard the saying, or something similar to the meaning of "One only wins in chess when the other makes a mistake." Only with small mistakes would we eventually crumble. Yet mistakes are inevitably made by people everyday.

How then, are we supposed to face every situation, the right way?

2011-04-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

Life taught me some lessons.

1. Thinking too much does not get you anywhere.
In the battle of waterloo, Napolean hestitated to attack even though he had the larger army, just so the afternoon sun could dry up the battleground to favor the usage of cannons, which he so loved thanks to his family history. Unfortunately, the delay in time allowed the enemy's reinforcements to arrive and subsequently, as we all know, ends a chapter in history's book.

2. Not thinking enough does not get you anywhere.
Personally I don't think there is a need to further elaborate this, since from young, we were educated to think before we act, plan everyday meticulously, think out procedure as detailed as possible.

3. After reading the above, first you will 1, then 2. and end up with 3. Which is life gets you nowhere. It would be better to not think about this problem =).

2011-03-05T14:49:00.001+08:00

Its one feeling when you know you are going to disappoint people before you get your results but its another when you know you disappointed people after you get your results.

2011-03-02T18:42:00.002+08:00

First of all, sorry for not updating in a long time, if anyone even reads to begin with. Secondly, what I am about to write might have been written before sometime in the past, because it seems familiar to me, as if I've wrote it before, yet, new.

Everyone of us human, carries a ruler. We do not see the ruler, we feel the ruler, however we cannot deny the existence of it, as much as we cannot shrink the responsibility of using it.

Whenever we see someone new that we know we will get to interact more with the future, we use this ruler. We measure them with this ruler, from every single detail that we know about them. Regardless, a conclusion is always made, even if a single sentence has not been made.

Now in society where everyone carries the ruler, the accuracy of the ruler is determined by how observant the user is, or so we thought. We think that the more we see, the more accurate we get to measure other people, while they measure us.

This forms into a really complex situation, where we are often biased against certain people, purely because we measured them "wrongly". For example, some people might condemn one to a lowly level just because he/she has a tattoo, or smokes. The worst of such people are those that condemns natural disabilities, such as the inability to fully utilisize all five of their senses.

In other cases, our ruler measures wrongly because we are misled. Because everyone of us measures every other person in this world, every person in this world knows that every other person is measuring him or her. So instead of presenting our "true self" for others to measure, we tend to cover the bad side of us and just show the good side.

While to some this is "fraud" to most people, it is probably a form of self-defence, for their pride and ego, not that it is a bad thing.

Weirdly, while we measure others using this ruler of ours, knowing that they are hiding their bad side and only showing their good, we still based our conclusion on whatever is measured. Isn't it akin to knowingly getting the wrong readings? Yet we live by those data everyday in our heads.

Perhaps we are naive and think that we see more than what others can hide, but honestly, never measure at first sight and believe you are right. Those one might consider as the scum of society could have a heart of gold, if they are talked to. And obviously those appear to be in the high ranks of society, could have a really bad personality.

How then, I wonder, do we measure correctly? Over time we may tell, but time is never on our side, jumping to conclusion is not a good habit, and yet it allows us to be mentally prepared for the most likely to happen thing.

Therefore, sometimes I wish I could have eyes that pierce right through the pretenses, the facade of others, to know immediately what to expect and sadly I know it'll never happen.

2011-02-20T23:05:00.002+08:00

2011-02-18T22:22:00.002+08:00

I'm sure, whichever part of the world you currently live in, you would have seen fallen leaves before. Or rather the motion of how an orange-red leaf glides in the air towards the floor in autumn or a brown leaf swaying its way towards the earth. Unless you live in the desert.

Usually, with a brush of the wind, the slight pressure applied causes the already loose leaf to drop off, its graceful movement through the air sometimes brings lots of sentiments to people, for it is slow, not rushed, graceful and seemingly relaxing.

Have you then, ever seen the wave the very same leaf fall, when it is raining?

Amazingly, at least to me, the water droplets that fall from the sky does not affect the falling of the leaf as much as I thought, or imagined. Instead of getting lop-sided due to the weight of the water droplets, it falls probably just as gracefully.

Either that, or spins non-stop.

I don't know much about rain, but one thing I'm sure of is, the water droplets in one area don't fall all at once. Given that, the leaf should have been hit in different rates at different locations.

Yet it remains aloof and graceful. How?

Why can't we be like the leaf? In life, you have no idea what crap it might throw at you, or hit you with, yet if we are what we are supposed to be, then no matter when the hit, at where, we continue our journey, seemingly undisturbed.

At the same time, if we lop-sided, each and every hit in life would turn us around, make us wonder, and in the long run, just like the leaf that spins in the rain. It never ever gets to stop, has no peace in life, for nothing helps its descend with no drag and eah hit seemcs to just continue spinning it.

2011-02-14T20:58:00.002+08:00

Its lovely valentines! One day many believes is for love. To confess your love for the apple of your eye, to get together with what already is, and what will continue to be, a partner.

So writing all of that, and the fact that I'm writing, probably already signals to you that I'm alone, in front of the keyboard on such a lovely night. Its one of those days where you feel surprisingly empty, wanting a void to be filled, yet although you know what should be there, you don't know what you really want there.

Then again, I wouldn't really call this an empty night. Rather, its a night full of thoughts and reflections. Its just like the ones where you lie on your bed, unable to escape from reality and all you do is think. Random thoughts? Or heartaching ones?

They are what appears to be closest to the 'you' you don't want to show others.

Its disturbing though, to realise that no matter how much thinking I do, I arrive at the same conclusion, where I cannot forgive myself instead of trying to blame it upon others.

Really, it makes me wonder at times, if I'm suffering from depression.

Haha.

2011-02-13T01:09:00.002+08:00

害怕失去，所以宁愿沉默不语。忍受痛苦，在夜里，自己偷偷哭泣？虽然逃跑并不是最好的解决方法，但我们都不能发否认它是最快最简单的方法。

到最后，因为不想失去，而逃避，知道不该逃避而困惑，左右为难。矛盾不宜。

真像电视剧。戏如人生，人生如戏。真实得很呀！

2011-02-10T01:21:00.002+08:00

Watching a lot of korean dramas(KDrama) recently. And apparently their catch point, or their appeal factor, is those touching scenes where they want their audience to cry.

Pardon my bluntless and lack of tact in expressing that point. But yea, they want the audience to be as emotionally involved as the characters, with preferably tears overflowing.

Now knowing this point, this "motive" of the producers and KDrama makers, and being the egoistic, arrogant me, I decided I'm above them and are not going to fall for it. So suddenly I find myself rejecting the tears. I hold them back, I suppressing my feelings.

And surprise surprise. I don't feel exactly comfortable.

Now that I think of it, isn't this just like how life is? To standby what we know, what we think is correct, more often than not we need to suppress our feelings. Its happens in our everyday life.

As a student, playtime always appeal to us more. Our heart wants it, our brains say no, we need to study. I bet every student had at least had this struggle a few thousands times in their "career". After all, when we force ourselves to study, good results may be reaped, but at that moment in time, we're unhappy.

In work, many a times we need to look at things objectively and forgo personal feelings. Unfortunately we all know that is not easy to do. It is especially apparent in careers like the police, where law and justice stands before feelings for friends or family.

We should all know how to control our hormones. But the truth is, we feel better when our hormones control us.

Even if its for that short period.

2011-02-08T21:47:00.001+08:00

Random. But I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

走进一步，你就退后两步。何时才能让我爱着的你，爱回我？

2011-02-06T00:29:00.002+08:00

I think that humans are sometimes really naive. We often think in only one direction. We do action A, and consequence A will happen. Little do we consider consequence B happening.

Over the past few days, I've seen/experienced a few of such incidents that led me into thinking that perhaps, if we think of both consenquence A and B together more oftenly, life would be easier.

First of all, this happened to me personally. And that is shaving. We all know it leads to a neat overall appearance that makes one look presentable. Now here's the problem, whenever we shave, we probably only think of that, Consequence A. Ask yourself, how many times have you thought of carefully shaving because you don't wanna have a cut BEFORE you ever got one?

Probably never. And after the first incident, we'll be careful for the next week or so and fall back into the careless routine.

If every single time we shaved we remembered we might get a cut, which spoils our overall appearance that we wanted to achieve, I think that we probably will get cuts dramatically less often.

Secondly, gambling. Rings a bell?

Gamblers more often than not, place their bets only thinking of winning. Especially gamblers who are already in debt. Instead of understanding that there're two sides to a coin, they gamble only see the one side. Which obviously, doesn't happen as much as they want to.

In my opinion, and its totally a personal opinion, not intended to offend anyone or any organization, I feel that only when you step into a "casino" mentally prepared and calculated the amount you are able to afford to lose will you be able to win. Of course this has no scientific basis whatsoever, but one who plays to only win would sometimes miss out important details and have error in judgement due to the pressure and need of winning.

Oddly, some stress-free players seem to win more. HOWEVER!!! I need to emphasize the point that regardless of whether you go in prepared to lose or not, gambling is still a game of luck, and it cannot be trusted, which overall concludes to me discouraging gambling.

But its the festive season and everyone should have some adequate fun =).

While we shouldn;t be always over-paranoid and suspicious of others, it really doesn't harm to take a little more caution. After all, what we do and think today, influence how we are tomorrow. And yes I believed someone else wrote something like that before, it ain't original but I have no idea who wrote it.

2011-01-31T19:50:00.002+08:00

Don't be mean to others if you don't want others to be mean to you. Treat others nicely if you want them to treat you nicely.

Then why can't I just be default mean and be nice only when I want others to treat me nicely? We all know the world doesn't work that way, and yet we do not find a suitable reason why the world defies our theory in certain cases.

I guess it all traces down to the instant gratification problem that most of us modern people able to operate a keyboard have. We start to do things only with expectation of equivalent benefits.

Yet somewhere in our minds, we know that is wrong. That would not happen. Why do we only expect good things to happen to us? Why do we always think of ourselves first? Sometimes I really blame the survival instinct, animal instincts that lie deep down. For we cannot erase it, in certain times, are well-guided by it, yet it others, misled by it.

Some call it trustable intuition, others rely solely on it.

How horrible, is this double-edged sword that cuts us along with our enemies. For in life, we cannot hurt others, without hurting ourselves first. We won't know how it is best to harm, if we were never harmed.

Which is why, the most innocent, is everyone, in the few minutes of our life.

Only.

2011-01-30T21:01:00.002+08:00

墨守成规。 According to google translation, it means "rigid".

I really wonder if that is a bad thing as its tone suggests. Personally, I do have this charateristic. The way of thinking, doing things in a structured way, less prone to changes. They say I can't think out of the box, others say I think logically.

Is it really that bad for people to stick to what they're comfortable with? Or will we only be really successful when we're willingly to step out of that comfort zone, put something on the line?

Chinese New Year's coming =).

2011-01-19T23:37:00.002+08:00

Wanted to share a story I heard from my teacher since I was young. Back then, it didn't feel so meaningful. I guess, when we grow up, we understand things better, the very same dull old things, might actually prove to be jewels we've yet to discover.

So the story is about an orange tree.

An orange tree grew beside a road. The road is used daily by many people and is highly accessible! One day, a boy noticed some ripe oranges on the orange tree. Since the orange tree grew near the roadside, and does not belong to anyone, the boy wanted to climb the tree and pluck a few oranges for his own consumption.

Knowing what the boy is about to do, a wise friend advised him that the oranges on the tree would definitely not be sweet, but instead sour. Unconvinced, the boy pointed out that we'll never know whether those oranges are sweet or sour until we taste it. He then proceeded to climb the tree while his wise friend could only sigh at his lack of insight.

Upon obtaining a manageable amount of oranges, the boy greedily tasted the first one, and as expected, found it to be extremely sour. Puzzled, the boy then asked his friend how he knew the oranges were not to be sweet but sour.

His friend answered, "The tree grew by the road, accessible daily to many people. Had the oranges been sweet, countless people would have already been up there and plucked its fruit. The only reason why we still see the oranges on the tree would therefore be because they are sour and nobody wants them."

Isn't that just the perfect mirror of our complicated lifes? To get the sweet oranges, probably we have to be the ones to sow it. Oranges that can be found by the road would almost definitely be sour, for the sweet ones would long be taken already.

2011-01-18T02:23:00.001+08:00

Something really short ^^

Its amazing how the very same phrase, in different tone, can bring out different ideas and intentions.

Do not forget.

A threat? A warning? An advice? A plea?

think of more and post it in the comments if you can =)

2011-01-16T01:48:00.003+08:00

Didn't manage to write anything for the whole week because of work! And I guess even though it wasn't the most meaningful or fun work, it definitely has a lot of things for me to learn from!

In business, the customers always wants the best. They will always push for the best bargain, lowest price, best quality. So on and so forth. Its up to the producer to meet such demands, regardless of how ridiculous they are. The only way to reverse the situation is where no one else in the market are able to do otherwise.

In other words, the customers get the first turn, the advantage. Once it is outplayed, things fall back to the producer, even though the customer's got the money. Because every producer would now exploit the customer. And ironically, the customer is at the producer's mercy despite holding on to the chips.

While at work, my supervisor, someone really nice to us generally, pointed out that even though we had nothing on our hands to do, we shouldn't help him with his chores. Reason being we're the educated youth, and should work holding pens instead of a screwdriver or hammer.

Right now, everywhere in the world, governments think that the way to combat poverty in their country is through education. In view of this, wouldn't the majority of the population be relatively higher educated than what we see today? Wouldn't we all work, then, with just pens?

Who's gonna hold the hammer and screwdrivers?

Someone has to do it. Obviously none of the educated ones will want to do it, then labour-intensive workers would be in huge demand. How then will we survive? These are the questions I kept asking during my employment time.

The only answer I came up with is hardly realistic, yet not completely out of the picture.

Robots, machines, you name it.

Objects that are designed to overtake human expertise in the near future. Mass production is hardly avaliable currently, but would probably be in the near future.

I thought I had all the answers. Then I hit another roadblock.

In my employment period, the main assignment was to test and ensure the accuracy of the machine to be sold, such that the customers would be satisfied and trust such machines to take care of mass production. It was nowhere near an easy job. Sure it ain't labour intensive to do testing in a sample, but neither was it relaxing.

Machines, although less error prone as compared to humans, lack the ability to accurately identify their own mistakes and therefore correct them. Do not misunderstand me though, most machines in our current industries have a proof-reading function that allows products that are not produced properly to be separated from the rest.

Problem is, even the proof-read mechanism is a machine. Without real human supervision, nothing can be guranteed. This brings me back, then how can we really survive just on machines and robots in our lifes? The manpower to supervise them would not come from the educated. And again, a shortage of labour would surface.

I really wonder, how the world would change in the next decade or so. Since every politician would term the change as positive. Maybe I should rephrase and say,

I wonder, how the world would evolve in the near future.

2011-01-15T20:01:00.002+08:00

The character's too real to be fake.

Its personality is far too similar to mine, its actions, consequences, identical. How did someone make up such a character? Are there many like me out there too?

It renacted how much we prefer to stay back and watch first. Understand before proceeding. Others call it stalking, we name it understanding. Wherever, whenever possible, always looking out, observing.

When asked, feign ignorance, yet at the same time wanting to divuldge. And as accurately pointed out, we speak in a not-very-understood manner where we did not lie, yet did not expose ourselves either.

The common thing is though, the happy ending is never meant for us.

2011-01-05T00:24:00.003+08:00

How do you measure the value of your life?

Once, I tried to share my "wisdom"(self-proclaimed) and asked my friends, "Have you ever thought of how many people would attend your funeral(when you're dead, obviously)?"

And they treated it like a joke.

I often wonder if its a good gauge of the value of one's life. An average worker, in front of the desk in an office, would probably have slightly less than a hundred. From colleagues, relatives, family.

Those deeply respected, or feared would definitely have more. Politicians for example, even though we all know they have a dark side, but at their funerals, even the public is allowed to visit. And they do. Foes and friends whom used to interact with the deceased would attend. For them, a few hundred would probably be no problem.

What about each one of us? How are our expectations of life. Would we be loved by those around us the very last time, before we enter the earth or would we face an empty funeral?

Would you want to live your life such that when you die, many would come, to see for the last time, the one that used to be precious, loved?

Then again, back to my original question. How do you measure the value of your life? Is the amount of people who attends your funeral a good way? Is the amount of money donated at your funeral a good way?(chinese custom)

Or is it, at the end of the day, we ourselves would know, and have no need for an external indicator.

2011-01-01T02:18:00.003+08:00

New year. Never wrote anything for Christmas. Not that I celebrate it much, since I'm not a christian, nor a believer of santa claus.

What baffles me is how everyone seem to think that the new year represents a new beginning. In fact it probably stem from the popular saying that every ending is a new beginning.

From the commonly known end of life leading to the beginning of the afterlife, to the ending of the education journey that leads to the new journey of life in society. We probably are totally stuck with the idea that with endings, come beginnings.

Really. Just because we begin a new year, doesn't mean we start with a clean white sheet. Stains from the previous year will stay. Some things will never change, and others would probably only get worse, regardless of whether our new year resolution is to improve it.

Speaking of new year resolutions, sometimes I wonder why they actually exist. In simple terms, new year resolutions are aims that people make such that they have a goal and can work towards it. Obviously they aren't really bad. Unless you really wanna find flaws with that.

But my question is, aren't aims to improve ourselves being made, supposed to be made, all the time? The moment we realise we're lacking in some places, shouldn't we already be trying to improve it? Why wait till the new year?

And unfortunately, the only excuse, or explanation I can find for it is because most people, me included, are too lazy to set goals and work towards them in our daily lifes. A new year is akin to the start of a new day. Sure, we haven't forgot what we did yesterday, but what's most important is today.

In case anyone is missing the point, what I'm trying to say is, new year resolutions aren't bad, do set them. But try to set goals to improve yourself in your everyday lifes instead of waiting a year. Constantly reminders and improvement is what would allow us to excel. And working towards that in itself, is already a goal.

And probably my new year resolution =).

2010-12-23T02:04:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I push especially hard, just so I could learn from them how to reject others nicely.

2010-12-21T02:15:00.002+08:00

在每次看完一部戏，一本书，一个结局，总由不得感到莫名的空虚。悲伤？

圆满的终结不应该是快乐的吗？为何我却如此？

童话也好，戏剧也好。他们的结束代表着感性的我，必须要回到现实中。莫名的空虚，可能就是那寂寞，无助的到来。

不喜欢这样的我。可惜，这，真的，就是我。

2010-12-18T21:14:00.002+08:00

Arrogance is what lead to men thinking the solar system revolves around the earth. Humility allowed us to realize earth is just but one amongst others, revolving around the sun.

Arrogance can lead even the brightest, to misconceptions. Only with humility, would we understand what lies before us. Yet arrogance is what comes to us first, naturally, without humility.

When then, will we learn?

2010-12-17T16:10:00.002+08:00

Maybe being clever is really stupid, and being stupid is really clever.

Is it ego or arrogance? Is it the need to present oneself as an intellectual being that results in really stupid decisions? I guess so.

Intelligence, knowledge of what's coming next. Really there's no need to abuse it to spoil the fun of others and make oneself unlikeable. Everyone just wants to have fun. In such cases, feigning ignorance might be much better off. You don't suffer much, the people around you are happy.

Why then, do we trample over others just to prove ourselves?

It is really in our blood to be compeitive people who always want to prove our existence, our worth, our prowess?

Of course, things pretty much depend on the people you are with. In a group of self-praised, honoured intellects, fools will just get ostracized. Then among the fun-loving people whom does not really care how much another's IQ is, just let go of yourself and be the idiot we always are in our most relaxed and primitive states.

2010-12-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

Maybe its not the end yet, but I still want to use the words 'in the end'.

In the end, its back to me again. Me and my dear blog here. For sanctuary it has been, shelter it has provided me. What no one wants to hear can be said here, what no one wants to face can be written here.

Truth is, why do I need a sanctuary in the first place? Is it really reality that pulls me apart from others?

Reality.

Ridiculous Earthly Adventuring Lies I Take Yearly?

Okay that's just crap. Whatever.

Maybe its just that my pace is never the same as others.

Everyone originally walks at their own pace. Some will be faster than you, and you would appear to be far behind. Others will be slower than you, and of course, you appear to be in front all the time. When no one around you has the same pace as you, you find yourself alone. Lonely, in fact.

What happens is we would try to slow down, or speed up, just to get back on track with someone else, side by side, stride by stride. Slowing down or speeding up takes effort. In speeding up, we find ourselves in lack of breath. Unable to continue keeping up. Whilst we have company, and lose loneliness, we also lose our ability to continue walking forward. Slowing down may not require much, but it is more uncomfortable than you actually realize.

Undoubtly, you would start to speed up. Only when you find yourself alone again, would you remember to slow down.

Perhaps that is why it is really important to find someone who has the same pace as you. Marriage partner, best friend, whatever. And perhaps that is why I can't seem to find any.

I knew I was different. Not the outstanding kind, nor the retarded kind. Just different from the normal, which ironically is whatever everybody is trying to do, to differentiate themselves from others.

But when they realize how lonely it is up here at such great heights, they'll understand going back down would be a better choice. After I walk at a stride that no one matches, and is too tired to alter my speed.

2010-12-09T23:06:00.002+08:00

Fairytales. I often wonder what they were meant to do.

Trying to let children figure out the morale of the story? That never happens, the adults seem to love spoiling the story.

But anyways, watched the tale of the long hair-ed princess during my chalet! Instead of feeling magical, mystified and all those positive emotions, I felt that reality is far harsher than fairytales could provide.

Bitter? Maybe. Though I have to admit that the simplification of the life in fairytales might be really just to entertain the children.

Personally, the more I watch, the more I wish that the world was so simple. Everything and everyone is so straightforward. Everyone you see only has a basic purpose, and all of their actions are justified by it.

Nevertheless, I just hope that my life could be like a fairytale. Sweet and lovely openings, harsh storyline in the middle, happy endings.

If only life was this simple, I would probably gladly accept my sufferings.

2010-12-08T22:38:00.002+08:00

Back from chalet! Its a nice cosy trip to celebrate our graduation from the tedious curriculum. Not exactly the most fun, but definitely one of the those where I spent most time with everyone I wanted to.

Then again, some walls never break down.

Person-to-person, there exists brick walls. For two strangers, the brick wall is complete and untouched. When they first meet and become friends, the first impression, first interaction determines whether the wall is to be heightened by laying more bricks, or knocked down, brick by brick.

Unfortunately, we are unable to knock those bricks from the bottom to topple over the foundation. Instead we have to go through the tedious process of taking off a brick at a time.

What's most irritating about this invisble wall is that while we still can look through it, we have no idea what its current height is. And that is it almost impossible to break down the whole wall. Even between the closest friends we have things we do not tell.

Especially if you're someone like me who believes in not putting all of the eggs in the same basket.

Reservations. They are akin to the margin that we already made on the wall. No way would we allow the wall to be lower than that. Some define it as the comfort zone of relationships. Others just look at it as a form of security.

The worst part is, re-building it is effortless. Breaking it down requires endless effort and time.

Soon enough, I might just develop claustrophobia.

2010-12-02T22:02:00.002+08:00

So the end of one the major exams of my life. Not the most important definitely, but nevertheless one that benchmarks and differentiates the men from the boys. Though I might just fall into the category of the boys.

Sometimes I feel that the tests in life don't end. Every obstacle on the path of life seems to be a test. And whilst you can score full marks for a paper, its impossible to perfect a single test in life. Somehow, some way, there are better solution, better ways to do it.

And we never know, until one day we reflect on ourselves.

Then again, what's perfect? I used to think that the lack of flaws, of mistakes, means one is perfect.

The lack of. yea.

The perfect man would never get better, presumably he would never be overtaken. Though he obviously would be robbed of much joy that many don't realise mistakes, flaws bring you.

Being perfect ain't perfect at all. Really.

2010-11-26T14:24:00.000+08:00

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
一辈子有多少的来不及
发现已经失去
最重要的东西
恍然大悟早已远去
为何总是在犯错之后
才肯相信错的是自己
他们说这就是人生
试著体会试著忍住眼泪
还是躲不开应该有的情绪
我不会奢求世界停止转动
我知道逃避一点都没有用
只是这段时间里尤其在夜里
还是会想起难忘的事情
我想我的思念是一种病
久久不能痊愈

当你在穿山越岭的另一边

我在孤独的路上没有尽头

时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸

却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息
汲汲营营
忘记身边的人需要爱和关心
藉口总是拉远了距离
不知不觉无声无息
我们总是在抱怨事与愿违
却不愿意回头看看自己
想想自己到底做了甚黱蠢事情
也许是上帝给我一个试炼
只是这伤口需要花点时间
只是会想念过去的一切
那些人事物会离我远去
而我们终究也会远离
变成回忆

oh 思念是一种病

oh 思念是一种病一种病
多久没有说我爱你
多久没有拥抱你所爱的人
当这个世界不在那黱美好
只有爱可以让他更好
我相信一切都来得及
别管那些纷纷扰扰
别让不开心的事停下了脚步
就怕你不说就怕你不做
别让遗憾继续一切都来得及

Its so meaningful *tears*. I'm a sucker for good lyrics. Too bad.

2010-11-18T01:55:00.002+08:00

Facing exam questions are akin to going on a fishing trip. The kind that involves a big boat to capture large amounts of fishes in the middle of the ocean. Not the type that only requires bait and a rod.

So when you first see the questions, its akin to identifying the types of fishes you want to catch. First you gotta research where they often appear in, which waters, how deep, how many in a school, or even if they travel in a school to begin with.

What comes shortly is scanning of the seabed for the school of fishes. In the gigantic ocean, we need to scan part by part of the ocean to locate the fishes. Following the identification of the fishes comes the casting of the net. Casting the net does not ensure all fishes in the school are caught. The cleverer ones escape almost immediately, the smaller ones swim right through the holes in the net and the young ones are prohibited by law to capture.

What remains as the fishes, the substance, might jolly well be just a largely minimized amount as compared to the original potential yield.

Its at this moment that we realize we pretty much screwed up the exam.

2010-11-09T08:46:00.002+08:00

Today marks the start of the A levels. A big exam in my personal life.

One of the reasons why there hasn't been much posts in the past month or so, and will continue into this month, is because all I'm reading are the syllabus requirements. So not really much ideas to write about.

But either way, my first paper would be taken in just a few hours time. Chemistry, not my best subject, one of my worse. I did do some revision though. Not very confident, though I have no idea why the people around me are more confident than me.

Then again, I like to say, we know ourselves best. Because the "you" people see, is the "you" you want people to see. Therefore they would not really understand how you're thinking.

Oh well, wish me luck )_(

2010-10-31T16:37:00.002+08:00

C.N. Blue crazy recently. No I'm not gay.

So I found their translated lyrics and found them so meaningful *.*

Tell me why why why, I’m wanting only you.
No bye bye bye, Don’t say those sad words.
I can try try try. If you would come back to me,
You know I want get get get your love

And, that's like only the chorus. Where if you haven't realised. The chorus has more or less the objective of familiarising people with the song, so the rhythm, melody and stuff must be appealing. But really, most of the time, the most meaningful lyrics are found at other parts, not the chorus. Like maybe from the start or something. Haha.

Then again, this one's the hit song, which works just like the chorus to a song, but its a song to the album. If... You catch my drift. Haha.

Do check out the english translated lyrics(I'm assuming you understand english if you're able to read this) of other songs, like LoveLight and Sweet Holiday in their lastest album =)

2010-10-27T14:28:00.000+08:00

I need to learn how to lose to others on purpose. For in winning, it might actually be losing, and losing, be winning.

2010-10-27T00:11:00.002+08:00

DISCLAIMER: This is a ranting post. Please do not read it if you expect quality.

Sometimes I wonder why things turn out the way they do. Its true that I make mistakes, though some I really feel that they aren't mistakes. Is it really my fault that I see the purpose of other's action so clearly?

Is it really my fault that I take steps to protect myself before I take any real damadge? Life isn't a game, reality hurts. And perhaps just like snsd's new song, our feeble hearts need a helmet, for all the hits that it can take, we don't know when it will give up and stop.

And the truth is, even with helmets, I wonder how much helps they really do help.

From a male perspective, dealing with females are annoying, and irritating. Because we often find that they don't see things the way we do. Its not any particular sex's fault. Maybe its just how the brains are wired. But seeing eye to eye without an act of compromise is nearly impossible.

Unless, of course, the logic is undeniable.

Now if dealing with females is irritating, dealing with males is even more irritating. Especially when conflict arises.

First things first. Males have pride. It sucks but they. Or we do, since I'm a male too. Losing it is big deal, protecting it is perhaps just as important as protecting your very own heart. Then again, that's the male way of looking at things.

Females jolly well find us chauvinistic and stuff. But really, from an objective point of view, the females aren't wrong.

But well, I don't get what's wrong with knowing more than others, using it to your own advantage, and turn the tide against your opponent, male or female. It really all depends on the purpose.

Telling others details of your quarrel with another has one obvious objective, for them to ally with you and take your side. Now if you don't tell them details, but just tell them you've been quarreling with person A. You're not pulling them to your side, what's you're actually doing is informing them, such that they would not mistakenly put you and person A together for more conflicts to occur.

In a sense, its pretty polite. Now that's how different purposes determine different actions. To the details of it.

So how is it wrong, for one to of understand the purpose of another's speech, action or behavior, and act against it. Ahead? Being ahead is important is life. And so is inference, the combination of both is perhaps just a tool?

Really, if we don't mind thinking back, looking at how our words, our actions, our behaviour exposes how much of our intent, we would perhaps understand more about why others are always able to get ahead of us.

2010-10-24T20:24:00.002+08:00

Purpose dictates everything.

And it is not easy to determine the purpose of one, a community, an organisation, or even a country. Maybe that is why the education system allowed the teachings of purpose, only in O'level syllabuses.

Determining the purpose of others is a very important life skill. We need to constantly draw inferences from what little we know, to understand the bigger picture. That is what knowing purpose is all about.

It may be a writing, it may be a sentence, whatever it is, what lies beneath it might jolly well change the way we look at it. In fact, purpose is so major in today's society that judging crime can be through the perspective of purpose.

One's intent to kill, even if it seems minimal, represent a form of murder. Even before the weapon is yield, or actually, need not even have a weapon. Whilst at the same time, accidents, involving the death of others, cannot be judged as murder, even if all evidence are against so.

Of course, this is not as golden, or as fixed as it might look, but just a general way of looking at things.

But what's important is that we, as people of communities, are able to draw out the bigger picture with whatever subtle information we have. In fact, every speech has an intent behind it.

The tone of a simple "hello" can represent many different purpose, from sarcasm meant to hurt, to a friendly greeting aimed at bringing people closer together. Unless we can, for the most part, figure out most of the purpose of things around us, we cannot, feel safe, for it will just be a false sense of security.

The most fatal form of danger is not the unseen one, but those that are seen but not known. For an arrow shot from a mile away is hardly as deadly as a stab in the back 1 feet away.

2010-10-16T14:33:00.003+08:00

Maybe we should live our lifes like flowers.

We grow and develop, from the moment we're born, then slowly try to reach our peak, in which is presented by our bloom. After which, we either wither, and recycle ourselves to our parent plant as nutrients after decomposition or develop into a fruit that encompasses the next generation.

When do humans peak? We may never know, but we certainly have an idea about when our prime is, when we feel like the world is in our hands, and we could do whatever we want.

Youthfulness? Or foolishness? We used to dream big.

But humans never wither, we never ever feel that we're useless and re-try to contribute to society in another way. To us, being the fruit is the only way to go. Get married, have children.

Sure that is one way, what if that doesn't happen? We should start learning from how to recycle resources that have been put into us and help others in society.

Noble?

Perhaps.

Reasonable?

Definitely.

陳淑樺夢醒時分

2010-10-14T23:38:00.000+08:00

你说你爱了不该爱的人
你的心中满是伤痕
你说你犯了不该犯的错
心中满是悔恨

你说你尝尽了生活的苦
找不到可以相信的人
你说你感到万分沮丧
甚至开始怀疑人生

早知道伤心总是难免的
你又何苦一往情深
因为爱情总是难舍难分
何必在意那一点点温存
要知道伤心总是难免的
在每一个梦醒时分
有些事情你现在不必问
有些人你永远不必等

2010-10-14T01:19:00.002+08:00

Humans are just like gases.

The true ideal human being does not exist, just like ideal gases don't. However, they is a certain image, certain portay or how an ideal human being should behave, should look like, things like that.

In fact, the model of a human being is being used by every one of us, whether we know it or not, We assume humans behave according to standard predictable templates. As if a pay raise would definitely please the employee to work harder, presents would being joy. Just like how gases are assumed to behave according to PV=nRT.

And akin to gases, we tend to deviate, or become more similar to ideality, under different circumstances. For gases, low pressure and high temperature allows them to stay closer to ideality. In humans, we do not need low pressure and high temperature but conditions that cause us to express our nature, or rather the ideal nature.

Of course, for gases to be assumed as ideal, we need criterias. We need to assume stuff about them that we know aren't gonna be true, for the most part. We assume humans are negligible inter-personal relationships that will affect performance, emotion and capabilities. Which, obviously, we know are wrong.

Instead of considering whether one would excel in a different situation when he/she is away from loved ones, away from care and concern, to live in an unfamiliar place, first think of how he/she could enjoy the benefits, from the macro level. We think that placing two peope on the job would definitely be better than one, more effective, more efficient. Yet we fail to see that the two might have issues with each other and cause more harm than good.

That is how we treat other human beings. Just like how we assume gases will behave according to prediction.

And yet we're always complaining about how people don't treat us well. Really, it takes two hands to clap. While it always seem like the fault lies with others, we need to take a few minutes, perhaps every day, perhaps once a month, to just think about ourselves. Not about the future, not planning, but how we've treated others, how they might be feeling, had we been in their shoes.

Then again, the above paragraph, is the total idea of how an ideal human being should behave. Which, obviously, is not going to happen. They are too many things we assume, yet we can't figure anything out without assuming any of them.

So here we are, stuck at the original spot, not moving an inch. At least gases can move about freely, not like how we are never able to break those barriers, both physical, and thought.

2010-10-10T23:40:00.003+08:00

逆水行舟，不进则退。

Right now, there is no such thing as standing still, at the same spot. In life or in society. Whilst we all able to remain standing at a physical location, with our physical bodies. In reality, this fast-paced world does not allow stand-still people.

I remember hearing this some time ago. "Life is a race".

In a race, we can afford to be slow, for we might never be the best, or the fastest. But we cannot remain standing, rooted to the spot. For in that way, we'll never reach the end, of the race.

From young we knew, the moment we're in education, that every single one of those classmates, those friends, are our compeitiors. We're already in a race, that fact, while we're small and young, have already hit us. At the back of our minds, deep in the subconscious, we know they are our rivals.

Probably that is why we strive to score better than them, to appear cleverer than them, to gain more favor from people around us. At the same time, feel sad, inferior, when they do better than us. It is not our fault, for that is how nature builds every individual. Whether we like it or not.

Whilst we can afford to be slow, we never actually stay rooted to the spot. The world around us moves on, in response, where we are, is actually behind, lagging, further and further away.

In life, everyone of us are akin to a ship and its crew, in its attempt to reach the shores. The shores is far away, and we may not necessary see it. Because there might be fog, there might be torrents, there might be whirpools, all there to impede our success.

Yet we cannot use the current to tide us, for it is actually against us. Our crew cannot stop, even, for a single second, for the current will push us back, and more efforts would be needed to carry on forward.

When then, will we see the shore? And what lies in it? That perhaps, is our purpose in life. Or the goal in life?

Every obstacle we pass, we grow stronger. Our crew becomes wiser. We learn to predict the wind, learn to spot the dangerous rocks, all aid us in arrival.

And only after everything, we can truly appreciate, what it takes, to reach it.

2010-10-08T22:22:00.002+08:00

What would you choose, if either choice, brings sadness to others?

Would you tell them the truth, let them know it, feel disappointed, right now? Or would you prefer to let them hold their hopes up high, until when the truth hits them, they'll be shocked and disappointed?

It is inevitable. Yet how do we make it better?

I'm puzzled. I just can't bear to say it. But I can't tolerate the idea that when it finally comes out, they might be really sad.

I don't want history to repeat itself.

2010-10-06T23:46:00.002+08:00

Vultures. Or are they scavengers?

They seem to be around you all the time. They're coaxing, they're nice, they're friendly, they're lovely.

All but an illusion.

What they really are doing is waiting for you to fall to your deaths. To raise you up high enough to let you lose yourself, and fall miserably, so they can enjoy the remains of you.

I feel threatened. I don't feel safe. Its as if the words are there just for show. Hiding their true purpose. I don't know who to trust, and might as well not trust anyone. Its true that nowadays whilst the compeition increases, the underhand tricks are decreased.

Nevertheless, how would one know when a thief will strike?

Then again, did the underhand tricks really decrease? More likely, it evolved. Rather than an obvious move to undermine your performance, which the culprit can be clearly, and relatively easily caught. The vultures seem to have evolved.

Instead of simple, obvious tricks. What they use is psychological tricks. Impossible to identify by others, impossible to catch. After all they did not enter your dreams and plant a thought. All they did was to brainwash you day by day into thinking you're the best, you will never fail.

Evidence? Aplenty. Concrete ones to be used for accusation?

None.

Such is the power.

Beware, for if you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself. What they emphasize are correct, this is indeed the long walk, the one that we ain't supposed to stop. Just that always keep focused. To disregard their trick of the mind.

Reward, after all, if for no one but yourself.

2010-10-04T15:15:00.003+08:00

Small enough not to be significant, hard enough to hurt, yet too weak to remain as it is.

They blur our visions, and reduce them to a measly mist. We hear them, and their companion, and see the power of their friend.

They form a percussion band, with different instruments of the urban jungle. The rhythm sways, according to the wind, in varying speeds, according to the song. We don't pay much attention to it, yet it doesn't mind a concert without an audience. For those who are there to listen, will listen.

They prove to us our senses exist. From the sight of their mighty friend, to the sound of their companion. The smell they bring from nature, and the friendly tap. Not many can, or will taste them. For they are forgotten or perhaps just a nuisance.

Yet how many can appreciate, the finest of things if they fail to notice its presence on our daily lifes?

Evidence of them could be seen, long after the last piece. Yet the fireworks, that celebrates their success, appear only in the form of a silent bridge.

They eventually disappear, or so we thought. But what they are actually doing, is to regroup, for the next performance.

We do not know when, or where it will come, though we have tried sucessfully to trace its path.

It comes to us, unstoppable. And feeds us when we do not know.

It is part of us, when we least expect it. Or even realise it. But it has always been there. Probably, from the beginning of time.

2010-10-03T00:39:00.002+08:00

Destiny and choice.

Which determines the other? Choices one make today, affect the outcome of tomorrow. That is something we all know, we all understand even though we might not fully make use of it.

Some say the choices we made were destined to be made. This theory is generally more accepted by more religious people. Who believe in a higher being, more commonly known as a god, or something of sorts. It is as if, in the end, whatever choices they make, were destined to be made, regardless of how much thinking goes into it.

Sometimes I think, that the theory also works well with people who are suffering, and are in envy of others. They feel that the only reason why great people succeed, is because they were destined to. The top scholars in their school had the genes, or the determination, they were born with it. They had it. We don't. So they're up there and we're not.

Other think that destiny comes in the form of fate. Especially applicable to love life. In love at first sight, destiny is a popular theory. And for sad people who didn't manage to get their lovers, fate seems to be the one who caused all that. They can only sigh and blame fate.

On the other side of the story, some people believe that choices determines your destiny. Most frequently used by capitalist and opportunist, they believe that choices are everything. The choice you make today might not seem significant, but they are essentially so in your future life. To them, it is not destiny that determines your wife, but your choice of whether to make her yours.

Similarly, in all fields, regardless of studies, or career. It is that single choice everytime a person makes, that adds up and determine his/her destiny.

In other words, destiny is never fixed. It changes, along with the number of choices we make. It is akin to the formation of a river, where the sediments it carries, slowly, but surely shapes the way, in the long run, how the river look and flows.

*note: I'm not a geography student, the above statements are based on what limited knowledge I have of rivers. Please kindly excuse any inaccuracies.

I wonder, if its the first case, where each and every one of our destinies were already being set, and nothing could change it, how would mine be? I like jolly well sit back and let them play things out.

Alternatively, if the choice is in our hands, I should probably really pull up my socks and start working hard.

Other than the fact that its not easy, and that only the successful get to stand on top of the world, I really hope I could do pretty well. Even though I was never cut out for it.

2010-09-29T21:24:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when people disappoint us too much, we become blind to sincerity, and sceptical to everything others put in front of us. We begin to suspect if any good or kind intentions are true, and not hypocritic.

We begin to suspect, the very move itself, as one having an ulterior motive.

Used to being cast aside, one would not enjoy being the center of attention. Similarly, I felt really uncomfortable. Its probably a really kind note, or one intented with motives. But right now, all I think about, is why.

Why the move, why not stay remain as usual. We'll all get used to it someday anyways.

也许我会忘记
也许会更想你
也许以没有也许。

I'm feeling guilty for suspecting. But not enough to let down my guard. The hurt will develop ways to protect himself/herself. I am of no exception.

After all, I'm just a naive, small little person living in this precarious world I've yet to take my first step out to.

2010-09-27T15:25:00.003+08:00

The wind up there is constant, the wind around us is not. When you get high enough, you'll stay and remain there.

Habit? Or technique? You will learn it, practice it, and away from others on such great heights.

2010-09-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

Marina barrage. Heaven for kite lovers when the sun hangs high, and sanctuary for picture lovers when the moons takes over.

Kite-flying is insipirational. And I can probably already notice that because people kind of always seem to realise many things by flying kites. Not that the fact that "go fly kite" isn't something very positive.

Kites. The way they fly, how you can only see the kite and not the thin thread that holds it. If there was something more appropiate to saying its life hangs upon a thread, I would say kites are the ones to fit that description.

How do we determine the success of a kite flying? Some would consider it good to have it on air in the first place, and others want the altitude that it can achieve. As if the height of the kite represents the skill of the one controlling it.

Sometimes we are found in situations similar to a kite. Where the place we go, how high we go are determined by someone else, and not directly, but though a thin line, invisble to the naked eye. The wind plays a part, like how nature does in each and every of our lifes.

In chinese they say, 天时，地理，人和。

Who's grabbing onto the line of your kite? Who's the one to decide whether to reel you in, or to release you out? How would we know the true purpose? As if reeling us in definitely meant shortening our heights, it might, for all we know, to keep us from falling.

I guess kites have a tinge of ambition to them, to conquer the sky, to get up high.

Just like we humbly do, in our daily lifes.

2010-09-21T20:08:00.002+08:00

Life teaches us many things. We learn the ways of life at different stages of our own. In fact, almost as soon as we're born, we are already taught, learn, and used lessons that life teaches us.

A newborn knows nothing of the world. Except for one. Attention grabbing is needed to fulfill his/her wants. No one taught them that. Nature did.

As one grows up, we learn that it doesn't mean we get attention, just because we called out for it. A toddler may scream, yell and shout to get the interest of the people, mainly adults around him/her. But the truth is, when they get ignored, they subconsciously take into account that such methods of attention grabbing does not work all the time. Only when people intimate enough are around would those antics be successful.

And even then, it does not gurantee success.

As life goes on, toddlers grow into immature children. At this stage, they acquired another skill. The ability to detect emotion. The instinct to push buttons only when appropiate. In front of an extremely mad mother, no child would bother asking for toys. For he/she know that it is futile. On the other hand, when mum or dad is all smiles and are having a really good mood, children always seem to pop up from nowhere and cause a hole in the wallet.

Before reaching puberty, the stage of life where rebellious behavior comes in, children learn another important lesson. The significance of effort. How effort directly affects outcomes. They begin to understand that it is not just whining that will get them what they want when their parents are having a good mood. Its how they ask for it. How to ensure that their parents would be "taken in".

While that makes perfect sense, teenagers learn the exact reverse. We begin to comprehend that effort does not equal to results. Just because we hunt, doesn't mean we get fed. Now this is totally different from what has been taught by parents. And teenagers do not hestiate to stick by what they believe it. After all, they found the key to many questions in life this way, by themselves. Why bother believing someone who thinks they're so high up and mighty?

What every single child fails to infer at this point is that whilst they have their own adventures and learn about the world, they do not realise everyone older than them have undergone the exact same thing. They begin to feel powerful with knowledge, without knowing that the very same things they have done, or are going to do, have been done by the one lecturing them.

Even when people reach adulthood, that seems to be a hard habit to kick. We always firmly believes in ourselves, unless or course our self-esteem have been damadged so badly we hardly believe in ourselves anymore.

Sometimes, it is too much consideration of what's going to happen that will be stopping us. Maybe all we need, is a little push, a little rashness, and a whole lot of encouragement.

Life's like that.
If you can't change it, live with it.

2010-09-18T19:20:00.001+08:00

寂寞寂寞就好:

我寂寞寂寞就好
這時候誰都別來安慰，擁抱
就讓我一個人去痛到受不了
想到快瘋掉
死不了，就還好

我寂寞寂寞就好
你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會笨到忘不了
賴著不放掉
人本來就寂寞的
借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉

2010-09-17T22:09:00.002+08:00

Magicians, that's what they are. How they capture our attention? By simply doing the impossible.

We jolly well know they're tricks of the mind, logic unexplainable. But still, we try to look straight into where they want us to look, and mesmerize us obliviously.

Such, is the stupidity of man.

Another ability of theirs, is to create something out of nothing. No reactants, just products, fascinating regardless of how much we understand that those are all but illusions.

Yeah, magicians they are, creating what is coming to exist without any existing things. I'm impressed, and insulted. Worried, and feaful.

Things aren't gonna get any better from now on.

2010-09-15T20:08:00.002+08:00

I don't know how I'll carry on. This feels like the calm before the storm. I thought I had things covered, or at least my very own ass.

Now I feel like I'm naked in the middle of the world's busiest street. This is no longer about myself. I don't even have the right to be sad, because pity would not fall upon me, my pride would not allow it.

And I can't even rejoice openly, for I know, the very same reason I rejoice, is the one that's making the people around me depressed. I guess in the end, I'll just come back here again.

When all else fails, I hope my blog doesn't. It appears to no longer be a want, but a need. Something that I can always afford to lean back on. If the whole world ditches me. At least I have a sanctuary.

2010-09-11T16:48:00.002+08:00

Status quo.

It amazes me we like everything to stay the same, stay within our comfort zone and yet at the same time, we're trying to push for changes.

The phrase "Changes for the better" has been one of my favorite ever since I knew of it, but it doesn't explain the irony of the subject.

We want things around us to stay the same. That's definitely felt by everyone in almost all aspects of our life. We want our tables to look the same, tidy or not. We want the people in our lifes to stay the same, friends who we are always comfortable with to remain that way, family matters to stay the same, and not much complications. For one single complication in any part of our lifes irritates us.

Just like how our desk may have been touched, shifted, re-arranged by someone without our knoweledge. Similarly to people, we don't like it if suddenly a best friend got a girlfriend/boyfriend and disappears on us. We feel irritated and probably start using colorful language on him/her.

While all that makes perfect sense, the irony is where we want changes in our lifes. We want to re-organize our desks so that it looks neater, its more conducive and productive. For work or studies. We want to make more friends, friends that are deemed as desirable by the society, either by popularity, wealth or something valuable. We want to be friends with them. We want a lover, a boyfriend/girlfriend, someone we can do things to that we can't for most friends.

So in essence, we want changes in our lifes, for the better. Yet adore the status quo.

According to my english teacher, the term "irony" shouldn't be used here. Because ironies are not solvable, while this actually is. If we even bother to look from another angle.

You may have already got it if you read the above paragraphs carefully with a keen mind. Those changes that we despise, that go against the status quo we enjoy...

Are uncontrolled.

They go without us knowing first-hand, without us exerting our influence on the matter. And we despise it. Instead, changes that we can control, changes that we want to implement are those that we figure out away to do it. Every step are supervised by us, ourself.

Which is why it doesn't make us feel uncomfortable and revolting. People have said that the only constant in this world is change. While I don't disagree with it, I don't think its perfectly true either. So an essence of it is definitely true. And that is the world is always changing because everyone seek changes. Consciously or not. We want them. As a result, the world we live in are full of them.

There probably is no way to stop changes from happening, only how to control them. And I'm still stumbled upon that question and wish to find an answer. Hopefully I will, when I grow out of this protective shell of home and enter the cold, cruel society.

For afterall, all my views are from a naive, protected mind.

2010-09-08T22:30:00.002+08:00

Being myself, I've always hated the stagnant. The non-moving, statue-like tempo of things are what I like to avoid.

I always think that life should always be exciting. One event after another. So while we may not have realised it, being in school is pretty much the most fun time in our lifes!

Before you start disagreeing with strong objections, let me ATTEMPT to address the issue.

Firstly, most people think school isn't fun because of 2 main factors.
1: the stress
2: the workload

Now thinking twice, the stress can only get worse when we come out to society. The pressure isn't on us to do well in studies anymore. We need to fulfill our duties. As a child, as a spouse, as a parent, as a worker. Pressure comes in from your work, where your boss demands stuff, deadlines to rush. It enters through relatives, when they ask never-ending questions that you don't want to answer. From your family, where you are supposed to be mature enough to make decisions for the greater good.

Now in school, we all know about the hectic timetables and "impossible" homework amount and scolding from the teachers fussing about us from head to toe. For deadlines, when it comes to revision, we always try to keep up with it, and often fails to do so.

We can afford to. Like, if u missed a little bit everyday of your revision, the last 2 or 3 chapters of the subject might not be covered and revised when you get to the exams, and that's fine if you put your heart into the rest, you'll probably still pass. When we get out of school, that's impossible. The meeting of deadlines determine your employment. Try leaving out the last few pages of your report and you'll probably get to have a nice coffee time with your boss and a request for your resignation letter.

In school, life's exciting. You may have an idea what the teacher is gonna teach, but you don't know the approach he/she is going to take. If lucky, students might even get to play games for the education. If that's not enough, they're plenty of Co-Curricular Activities(CCAs) for you to enjoy what you love.

When you get out of school. Its a whole different case. Unless you're an entreprenuer, which most of us would NOT be, we would need to obey laws of Comparative Advantage(CA) and engage in specialisation. This means that its the same old monotonous task everyday. Its not even like reading different pages of your notes.

In school, when you go for trips, Overseas Community Involvement Programme(OCIP) or something, you get to catch up. The working life is different, you need to finish your work in advance before you take your leave. And we all know how sucky it is to do work before the time needed comes.

So in conclusion, to have an exciting life, where you can gossip about teachers without harm, gossip about other schoolmates without fear of getting fired, enjoy lotsa extra time to play games, school's the best!

2010-09-07T20:28:00.003+08:00

If life obeys Hess' Law where if the "Initial" and the "End" is the same, the amount of steps or the kind of steps that is taken don't matter. Would you like your first few steps to be exothermic(Give out heat) or endothermic(Takes in heat)?

The start and the end probably is, and will be the same regardless of how the approach we take in life. Or rather, in any endeavours that we participate in. So would we prefer our first few days of the program to be easy or hard?

As a teacher, or the educator, how would you plan your schedule for your students? Would you like them to experience the hard from day 1 or the easy?

The rationale could probably be majorly divided into the following two:

By beginning with the easy things, easy sums, easy road, we encourage those involved so that when the hard part comes, they knew they were coming, had more or less a mental preparations for the hard parts, and not stop or give up halfway.

In contrary, by starting with the hard, the tough, or some might say "The Impossible", we let the participants experience the hardest, toughest things that they will experience in the program such that when they manage to pass the first test, everything else would seem easier and smooth.

It would be akin to reactants in a mixture trying to overcome the activation energy. Its the hardest, but in the transition state, the only way to go is to become the products. Success is as if a straight road ahead.

2010-09-06T20:02:00.003+08:00

The world isn't fair. We knew that from day one when we have envy in our eyes since we were young. Why our friends get to have what we don't. Why they seem to enjoy much more than we have.

It always feels like we're on the short end of the stick. Someone is always better off than us. Whether it is our friends, our neighbours, our siblings even. Funny how we never feel proud when we get the other end of the stick.

I know its unfair, that given the amount of time I spent, and the others on the same thing. I seem to be doing it more efficiently where for the lesser amount of seeds I sow, I seem to have gotten the same, if not more fruits.

I'm kind of guilty about it too. But truthfully

Its all but an illusion.

What you don't see doesn't mean don't happen. The most logical explanation people have came up with, is sowing seeds secretly, while others are enjoying their rest. What they often fail to realise is that, the amount of seeds aren't the only factor is producing fruits. Fertilisers, nutrients, pests, weeds. These things come into play too.

In fact, sowing seeds in itself probably won't give us much fruits. We have to constantly fertilise the soil, remove the weeds and pests. Just because most people like to sow their seeds and assume that they would grow into lovely fruits doesn't mean it will.

Then again, I would like to say that the world is always fair. It is but a matter of how we look at things.

A typical example would be the round coin. Which isn't really round. It is rectangular when we start looking at it from a different perspective.

Life is probably the same. Comparing the same variables would definitely result in one higher than the other. That means one sample is better off than the other. Definitely.

Until you look at other variables.

2010-09-02T21:30:00.001+08:00

苦笑

2010-09-01T22:56:00.002+08:00

Friends, they are one of the best morale boosters ever in this world, they're the people who we rely on the most, even more than our families, they're the ones who are dependable in the future, in society, in this cruel world.

在家靠家人，在外靠朋友。

But we aren't living in the animes or mangas. Its not like the main character can say "I have my nakama" or "I believe in my friends" and just be invincible, defeating any possible opponent.

In reality, friends aren't everything. We need to live life according to what's happening, not blindly charging through things without a second thought, all the while thinking that when everything fails, there're friends to cushion our fall.

People, you aren't the greatest just because you've got a really good bunch of friends. This world doesn't work that way. Don't charge fearless just because you've got backup. How useful can the backup get? You may seem invincible when its a group against a mere individual, but trying to stand up against the world, it pretty much suicidal.

Its true we can't do without friends. But its also true that its the closest people to you that can hurt you the most. How much are you willing to risk by exposing all of yourself?

We'll learn someday, somethings aren't meant to be that way.

2010-08-29T00:35:00.002+08:00

Oh, I just realised I forgot to add the last part to my previous post! No wonder it felt like something was missing and so short.

So I shall continue here.

As I was saying, grduges are but a form of self-defense. It lies within us, it comes naturally, and always trying to be forgiving is hard because it goes against our very own natural instinct.

People often dislike other fellow human being that always seem to bear grudges. To them, remembering such an old event and digging it up to use in situations unfavorable to them is ridicuously cheap.

Because it works.

Then again, while personally I don't really like people who bear grudges either, we often fail to see that sometimes, it is we ourselves that are unable to let go of things. We ostracize them, saying that they suck cause they always bear grudges but in truth, if we were that nice, and forgiving, why ostracize them to begin with?

Its just frustrating to see people who claim to be all good and mighty go against their own idealistic behavior. And what's better is, they often don't know they do that. They assume they have the power of mass majority and are able to carry on. I wonder if they really know, what, in the end, bearing these grudges themselves, will do to them.

Then again, it was never their own fault to begin with. After all, everyone agreed didn't they?

2010-08-28T15:02:00.002+08:00

得饶人之，且饶人

Forgiving is something we all need to learn. What we cannot forgive often turns into a grudge. And grudges are not easily solved or settled.

Bearing grudges, is it simply because someone offended you? More often, it is due to the hurt that we believe we cannot let go, absolutely cannot forgive. Because of its hurt on us, we want to hurt the other party just as badly, or in most cases, even more badly.

Grudges hence, are defined as a negative thing that we should not have. We should instead learn to forgive, learn to let go. For they do us no good, but throw us deeper into the wells of darkness. And more sorrow.

Then again, why see grudges as a bad thing? To me, I think they are a form of self-defense mechanism that we were born with. They let us remember how someone or some group of people has once hurt us, and helps us learn the lesson and not get hurt by the exact same people, once again.

源源相报何时了。

But who would willingly risk their own well-being just to be good and gracious? The hurt isn't worth it. We would rather gain another enemy, lose another friend, than keep one that we know deep down we cannot trust.

2010-08-27T20:30:00.000+08:00

比上不足，比下有余

珍惜，有时才是最重要的。

2010-08-25T21:32:00.000+08:00

My idol looks like jackie chan's son 房祖名 o.0

This is probably the first time, I attended a major exam without knowing beforehand o.0

Chemistry is too stress le luh. Today went for paper one without knowing its paper one today... Die luh~

2010-08-24T15:52:00.003+08:00

I don't even want to talk about exams anymore. Pointless. It does not make any difference. Study inelastic subject.

赔了夫人又折兵

2010-08-21T01:27:00.003+08:00

I'm loving the night, more than the night.

The serene night. Every sound I hear, is ever sound I want to hear, other than the cars speeding late in the night. And even that, has its own unique frequency, timing, melody.

I think I'm gonna use this lovely time to study. Where no one bothers me, when I bask in my own sanctuary. Its gonna be so much more productive than in the mornings, or the afternoons. So I guess, I won't be defending myself from accusations of a mugger. For I guess, I am one now.

Though there is only one person in this world, I still allow to call me a stalker. You, just you.

2010-08-18T21:52:00.000+08:00

不自量力

Explains how things can go wrong. So very the wrong.

Can't seem to finish papers suddenly when the very same papers, I could've done them and had time to check and sleep. Where did my exam fitness go?

2010-08-17T10:12:00.003+08:00

Exam's later. Not very confident right now. Always the case with chemistry. But oh well. I guess things will work themselves out.

Not that I deserve anything much better anyways. I guess its a how much effort you sow, how much results you reap kind of thing. Haiz. Live with it I guess. Nothing much I can do now, 4 hours before the exam.

2010-08-15T17:32:00.002+08:00

Mi Cheo So. Mong Cho Il. Pa Bo.

2010-08-13T21:14:00.003+08:00

Demand and supply. Before anyone thinks that I'm going into some economics lesson, no. I'm not referring to economics. Not strictly at least. Though some of the concepts taught is pretty useful.

This world is governed by demand and supply. Just like many other governing rules. The most basic, applicable to student kind of demand and supply would be exams. Students nowadays are not studying to gain more knowledge. They do not score well in exams with more knowledge. Instead, the way to score in exams, is to understand the demands of the examiner. How he/she is going to set the question, how we are supposed to answer it.

Students seem to be the suppliers. Education nowadays seem more than just about learning. Its about how to meet the requirements of people up there who wants students to learn.

Then again, the only reason why the examiners set exam questions in certain ways in due to demand. Demands of the governments(what they want their students to learn). Demand of the world, what the world wants in people.

Though honestly, how applicable is knowing about bacteria and viruses, how reactions give out or take in heat, calculate compound interest, write argumentative essays, understand how the currency of china affects america in any single one field? Unless you're some hardcore researcher thinking about how to use reactions to burn bacteria to death such that your bank account can earn more money through the interest so you could interest in RenMingBi.

Truth is, most of what we learn today, will not be useful tomorrow. Or the day after. Especially for science subjects.

The world runs on the ability to supply goods and services to the demands. Relationships are no different.

Many a time we see a single person, act, or react differently in front of different people. Some call them hypocrites, some call them bastards/bitches. What they're in factual sense doing is acting according to the demands of the people they're interacting with. And that's perfectly fine actually. In fact its genius.

Why continue to remain proud in front of your boss? Learning how to bow down at times is the correct way to go. Being nicer to people whom we want to impress is perfectly normal too.

Demands are trying to be met everywhere. Even in nature. Organisms adapt to the harsh environment, in which could also be seen as a demand. To get the sun for photosynthesis, trees grows higher and higher, so they could emerge from the canopy. Enjoy the monopoly.

In other words, its those who are able to meet the demands around them who are most sucessful in life. In every aspect of life, if they are able to maintain that in every corresponding aspects of their lifes.

With that being said, right now, I need to meet the demands of the examiner and become a mugger. If I don't adapt fast enough. I'll probably need a coffin. But it ain't working out. So I guess I should start chopping down some wood.

2010-08-12T16:14:00.002+08:00

Beautiful girls, all the over the world, I could be chasing but my time would be wasted cause they've got nothing on you baby. They might say hi, and I might say hey, but you shouldn't worry, cause they got nothing on you baby!

2010-08-10T18:08:00.003+08:00

Its either I'm damn mean, or I'm damn jealous. For that was a sight, I didn't want to see. I didn't see it coming, and the blow I got was fatal.

Its surprising why I'm still affected.

Ridiculous.

I guess not only organisms mutate. Feelings mutates and adapt to escape killing mechanimsms huh. STOP.

Too much bio. Sorry.

2010-08-10T13:22:00.002+08:00

When lost, find a way out.

While it might seem so obvious, we all know after some thinking that that's not necessary the case for people.

Fear creeps upon us as we realised we're lost. We become scared to venture further into the unknown. Being placed outside of our comfort zones are bad enough. The possibility of going even further away is worse.

Many a times, we cry and wait at the spot. Hoping someone'll hear our cries and come to us. Sure we do know that at the end of the day, no one might come. But more often than not it seems that we're willingly to risk starving to death than risk running into more danger.

And so I was just wondering, if YOU are lost, what will YOU do?
(My choice is the first sentence of this post)

2010-08-09T00:22:00.002+08:00

Why watching Starcraft replays by pro players are bad for me:

1. When watching, the opportunity cost is not studying. And that's bad. Like, really bad. Because prelims is in 8 days? Yes. And A levels is months away. I need the muggggg. Like totally.

2. When watching, I get the urge to rush to the nearest store and buy a copy so I can play it myself too! Before it gets too late and I'll get owned by everyone in the game already. And that, does not help with my studies either, if I have to resists my urges.

3. I'll disappoint my teachers. Now that's NEVER a good thing. NEVER disappoint someone superior to you, your boss, whatever. Never, unless you have to. Because it'll cost you more than just a lecture. Probably promotion chances too. Yeah.

Conclusion: Starcraft is not doing me justice, but I still want it. Fragile human lifes -.-

2010-08-06T22:18:00.002+08:00

Apparently I write like an educator. It seems like the tone, the way I phrase things in my writings, are to teach, to inform to increase the knowledge of the reader. As if I'm explaining things to a toddler.

Then again,

What's wrong with that? Probably it has something to do with too much science-related work that I'm currently involved in, studying for. Like, phrasing of the answers have to be explicit. There's no way you can PRETEND that the examiner knows what you're talking about. Everything we're doing to not to improve our expression of our knowledge, but rather to fulfill the criteria of what the examiner wants of us.

And that's just life. As a student, at least.

Ironically, I don't want to step out to society just as soon as well. Its not like its better in the real world. Not to mention its bad enough in our small well.

The world does not tolerate people who are blunt, straightforward. I am that kind of person, when I want to pass the idea across past, and only beat around the bush when I'm kind of stuck or embarassed. So obviously, leaping out from the well would probably expose me to more elements and cause my death sooner. Which isn't what I'm really keen off.

Solution to that? Learn.

Learn to cover up your emotions, your words. Say only things to people that will benefit you. Say things to only people that will benefit you. I read of this passage in my general paper revision booklet that says "gossip" can be used as a tool. A tool to help you garner relationships with those that one considers desirable to form alliances for the benefit of self.

Hypocrites?

Clever suckers. They'll beat you in promotions and salaries.

Whilst everyone just wants to get up there, thinking that it'll be better with more $$$. We ought to realise one thing.

The higher/powerful you get, the less it takes to bring you down.

Before I dive straight into the example of day-to-day interactions of humans, lets just look at how things works in mother nature.

The biggest, most powerful living organisms on earth are notably the elephant and the whale. Massive in size, enormous power. Yet they are the ones facing the threat of extinction. Whilst an elephants natural defense seems impregnable to most animals, we all know a small mouse can kill it. What's matters is getting past that layer of seemingly impregnable defense. A bullet can easily knock out an elephant with mediocre accuracy.

But it can hardly harm cockroaches, bacteria or viruses. Smallest, deadliest.

Same in society, whilst those high up there are powerful enough to get you unemployed with a snap of a finger. Probably a rumor will kill them just as well. Political leaders, CEOs, ministers. How much effort does it take to spread a rumor nowadays anyways. Facebook, twitter, blogs, speech. In retrospect, looking at minor peons or the rubbish collectors that ensure your dustbins continue to be functional, they don't get sacked because they make mistakes.

They can reprimanded. And they're fine. Scolded, and they can still laugh after work. They're the ones who are the most resilent. But we seem to overlook that point. So would you really want to be up there, clinging on to your position, worrying over when someone will strike you down?

2010-08-03T23:08:00.003+08:00

The desire for truth today is getting out of control. Everywhere, everyone, wants to know about it. It is akin to a buried jewel in your carpet. You may walk across, on top of it everyday, as long as you don't feel its presence, you don't mind not knowing its there.

But once you discover that there's a possibly that a jewel might be hidden in your carpet, you would never cease till you find it. Such, is the power of knowledge. No one wants to kept in the dark. No one willingly takes in lies unless they're trying to numb themselves.

Often, we fail to see the efforts it takes to hide the truth in the first place. Human nature has programmed us to always find out the truth, understand the world so as to help ourselves better. But never do us think about why the truth is hidden.

We despise those we hide it from us, those who deprive us of the gem. Only after getting hold of the gem, do we truly understand, why it should be hidden in the first place. Wouldn't it be too late then?

2010-07-30T21:56:00.002+08:00

Sorry for not posting many things up. Its not that I don't want to. But everyday is like the very same routine repeated. Dejavu day after day.

So basically, here's the breakdown of the week. From monday till friday.

6.15am: WAKE UP. Groggily. Die just die. Cursing at every possible thing
7.00am: reach bus stop. Yawnsssssssssssss
7.11am: bus comes!
7.30am: reach the bus stop outside school.

Okay total lameshit. I'm opening opportunities for people to stalk me. Yeah that's my schedule. Lol.

Then hectic day at school

Reach home at 6+, 7, eat watch "You are my destiny"

Stupid attempts at completing math homework.

Game at 10.

Sleep at 12.

EVERYDAY.

I'm such a boring person. Someone excite me please.

2010-07-27T15:48:00.001+08:00

Haven't really written anything in quite some time. Then again, if all I write are sad things, why write at all? Spreading around sadness isn't really a good thing. Must learn how to think positive!

2 weeks to the impending doom. Oh dear, no preparations for it whatsoever. I'm still living in my own world, shielded by the comforts of home. How awkward it is to think that I've once been out there working before.

I really feel like a spoiled child now )_(.

2010-07-23T20:06:00.003+08:00

I really really don't know what to feel and think anymore. This sucks. Its like slapping yourself left and right, then left and right again.

Reeling from the pain, not totally understanding why, and getting slapped again.

Ouch.

And and, I need to practice my analogies. Apparently they're good for essay writing. Nice.

2010-07-22T19:55:00.002+08:00

Maybe I should start reading FML, or MLIA or just follow people on twitter. Yes I have a twitter account, but no I do not use it. So don't bother giving me request whatsoever. I believe I didn't follow anyone on twitter yet, so it should be a blank when I finally do log in.

Anyways, life these days aren't that good after all. Day by day, we're stepping towards the major exams. No one has to remind us to study. We know it. We just don't bother following it. Instinct says play is better. And so it shall be.

Sense vs instinct is like david vs goliath.

Who cares if david wins in the end.

Millions of things to work on, millions of situation to get out off. I'm living each day wishing the day would end soon. That is not a good thing. Never a good thing. Its called dwindling your life away. Perhaps, only if someone suddenly told me I'm gonna die in a few months then I would start to treasure life more.

And I would feel justified not studying. HAHA. Nice one.

2010-07-21T22:41:00.001+08:00

Stay 3 months off your computer.

Would you?

Really, must things come down to that. Will that definitely gurantee an A? I have no idea. As much as I want to trust everybody, especially the professionals, I know there are some things I have to judge for myself. Just because some people can't do as well because they're on the computer 24/7 doesn't mean it'll apply to me.

Right?

Or rather, I'm just trying to find an excuse to justify myself to continue using the computer )_(

2010-07-20T20:17:00.003+08:00

Its been quite some time since a happy post. And I'm sad about that too. It kind of reflects how I've been doing ain't it? Lots of happy post means much love and happiness felt. So definitely, I'm pretty sad these few days.

I'm already trying my best. In almost everything. Other than studies of course. I never ever try my best for that. Who knew that when you had a good habit, it is just as hard to quit? Though really, its ambiguous to what can be considered a good or bad habit.

All I know however, is I am really facing much difficulty stopping myself from typing "tr" in the address bar and click the first option that comes out.

For those who still don't know who cyanide is, maybe typing that will have her blog's address pop up too.

No gurantees.

Just like how I'm feeling now. The amount of unknowns are far too much to contemplate. I only know one thing for sure:
I'm alive, I need to be, I will be.

Whatever decisions I make I should not regret it.

Should not.

The truth is, the only way not to regret any decisions made, is not to make any to begin with. How ironic? For that in itself, is making a decision.

2010-07-19T20:45:00.002+08:00

爱是对的，错的是我（们），还没学会爱，就急着爱人，而爱错。

可是

我就不怕爱错，只怕没爱过。

2010-07-18T22:03:00.003+08:00

Learn to stick with your decisions. Let them be firm, and not just obstinate or stubborn.

Therefore, learn how to make the right decisions, the first time. In this current society, that's what people are looking for, everywhere. The ability to be steadfast and be firm.

I gotta be firm. Think faster than the opponent, and shoot him before he can react. Learn.

2010-07-18T09:47:00.002+08:00

I've never been so wrong about someone. You, are, the only exception, Whilst I thought I was playing god, I realisedI was only filled with ignorance. So they were right, we really have to build even simple things brick by boring brick. But you're not feeling sorry, I guess I'll just have to turn it off. After all, looking up, where I should be, is where the lines overlap.

2010-07-17T22:04:00.001+08:00

All the more it is justified.

2010-07-17T14:32:00.001+08:00

我想通了。不会再回头了。

I'll just do one last thing for you.

소원을 말해봐

2010-07-14T20:07:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder what kind of person I am. Am I still someone I know? Did I lose myself to this cruel society? Or did I just gave up all my emotions so that I can be strong.

I feel heartless, yet loving. Hurt, yet happy.

Contradictory.

Might have to do with me losing my ITouch. Haiz. If I never had it, I would never wanted one. Now that I enjoyed its 4 years with me, I'm throughly sad with losing it. And there's no one to blame but myself. At least I'm rationale enough to think of that.

Honestly, I think my condition is worsening. That bipolar disorder. Its gonna morph into split personality really soon.

2010-07-11T20:30:00.002+08:00

Bought myself a new bag ^^

Super over budget but well, who cares. Haha. I mean, if no one knows, who cares xD. Yeah so pretty happy. Maybe that's well girls love shopping. The feeling of spending money on yourself buying something useful is pretty satisfying!

Or maybe I should just be a girl o.0

Either way, I wanna watch the world cup finals later!!! Going sacrifice tomorrow's well-being in school. Probably sleep through most of the lessons. But its the last time!!! So teachers bear with me arh hehe =P.

2010-07-10T17:57:00.000+08:00

戒不掉你对我的好
像被关在想念的牢
只剩寂寞缠绕着我
我无路可逃

2010-07-10T00:20:00.002+08:00

To begin with, I'm really sleepy and want to go to sleep now. Unlike what most teenagers are, I do get tired around 12am. Yes. I'm a nerd.

But I guess saying all those make no sense for the reader since they probably won't be reading this right after I post it. Hmmz. Redundant. Haha.

Anyways, I said all those CRAP above(Yes I do know that they're crap) just to pre-inform anyone that is reading this that due to the fatigue I may have difficulty with the content and quality of the post. Not that it is very good to begin with, BUT, it will be of even lower standards. So I seek forgiveness.

Thank you.

So track and field meet is coming. I do agree that I am a sportsmen. Wherever basketball is concerned.

Only.

So seriously, throwing javelins, shotputs, discuses, running relays are not my thing. Really. But I can't bear to the people getting worried over the amount of people joining instead of the quality that joins. So I guess I'll just go 滥竽充数*. Look for english translation(my style) below.

Regardless, decided to go for high jump and javelin. Should I explain my rationale? Hmmz, I think I will. Its like, throwing javelin is really cool right? Yeah, I sound damn bimbo but really, that's the reason for choosing javelin! Haha =P. And high jump.

Clarification here. Vertical leap is NOT EQUAL to good high jump guy. Yes, during the compeition period, my vertical leap is pretty good. Grabbing the rim USED TO be no problem. But high jump's a whole category away ain't it? So whatever, since somehow someone convinced to.

And my failed my chemistry test. Like. Expected.

Still sad nevertheless. Oh wells, by half a mark only. Should I be glad that I didn't fail by a large amount or sad that I could've passed with one more mark. Really, its depends on our own point of view right?

The half-filled, half-empty thingy.

Is this an irony or paradox? Haha. GP skills kicking in.

Either way, its actually real bad to be failing tests now. ANY test should not be flunked. I guess I'm nowhere near where I'm supposed to be. At this time 2 years ago I was already studying for prelim 1 and getting real good at my syallbus already. Apparently now I'm still playing games. HAHA. Starcraft and Warcraft!

And even influenced my classmates to play with me. I'm such a bastard huh.

Live with it =).

滥竽充数 = Trying to meet the mininum with pure numbers(note: This is not entirely true, this is my explanation for it, read with concern in mind.)

2010-07-06T23:11:00.002+08:00

I'm a goner for tomorrow's chemistry test. Whatever. I tried.

They say that's enough. Though most of the time they're hypocrites who meant, "you call that trying? Like that is try your best?". They are just trying to not add additional pressure onto us. Thank them.

Haiz. 3 topics for the test tomorrow. 30 marks. Doesn't take a genius to guess its 10 marks each? HAHA. Maybe I should consult the godly octopus or the parrot. Yeah, help me pick the correct questions~ Ahhhh.

Desperate.

Like always. Yearning more. Being greedy.

I'll be fine =)

刘

2010-07-05T10:46:00.003+08:00

Doing my GP now!

I realised my vocabulary sucked, to the max. I mean, my grammar's pretty good. Thanks to blogging but my vocabulary is still really bad.

I've always believed that blogging in proper english(most of the time) do help one in language skills. Whether you blog in english, chinese, malay, tamil. Whatever, as long as you do use proper and complete sentences. Which obviously, I try to do!

The occasional "haha" is (I believe) acceptable, though please do take note not to write that is your essays. Haha. I think the teacher would be caught in the middle, not knowing whether to laugh or cry!

So from a c6 english idiot I am, my grammar improved drastically in that 1 or 2 years to a b3 english guy. I mean, everyone knows c6 english is a burden, so it is pretty much acceptable to call him/her an idiot, unless of course he/she is already at full potential.

As you probably can tell already, my writing don't really contain big and bombastic words. Since of course any words that are written are from my brain's vocabulary, which, isn't really that awesome.

So hmmmmmm, I think I need to figure out how to blog in a way such that whilst my grammar is kept "up to standards", I can improve my vocabulary! Any ideas please tell me via any avalible means. Your help is greatly appreciated =)

倩

2010-07-04T20:20:00.004+08:00

My Itouch has more songs than my Itunes(on my com). Hmmz? Interesting. So despite its extremely old age, my Itouch is still working, pretty well I should say. We've been through hard times~ Sobs~ Sobs~

Okay random. Haha

尼

2010-07-03T20:53:00.003+08:00

Its like taking drugs.

You get high, you have fun, you love it...

Until it gets taken away. Until the withdrawal symptoms kicks in. Then you start suffering. You wished this never happened. You wish you never took the drugs to begin with.

The genie presents to you another dosage of the drug.

And you're back to square one. In fact, you're in an even worse shape. Choking on your own breath. Nothing you can do but plea for more drugs. Desperate, hungry, hurt.

How nice?

Human nature? Or no self-control and discipline? I wonder which. Or perhaps its due to both. Perhaps that's why I'm not stopping myself. I'm falling for it again and again.

I once heard this story from a teacher. About the idea of "stupid". I remembered it was on some kind of seminar or camp. Can't exactly remember.

So this is how it goes:
A man walks along a road to work on fine day. Oblivious to him, there was a hole in the middle of the road because of road construction. So obviously, he fell inside, too busy to look at the road he was walking on.

The workers resuced him and carried on with their work.

The next day, he walked along the same road to work. For some reason or another, he wasn't paying attention to the road and fell into the very same hole that he descended into just the day before.

The workers quickly came and rescued him, but not without noticing that it was the very same person that fell into it the day before. So as steoreotyping people we all are, they started thinking he must be an idiot.

Do you agree? That he is a stupid idiot who fell into the very same hole twice?

On third day, he walked along that very same road as per usual.

Now think, or rather imagine, will he fall into that very same hole in that very same hole thrice? What do you think?

If he didn't, do we still hold the right to criticize him and say that he is an idiot?

2010-07-01T22:17:00.002+08:00

There's one thing I really enjoy doing. Other than playing games and blogging that is. Haha.

And that is... Arranging my music! Its tedious 'Paperwork' but the sense of satisfactions is really great. Like when you see all of your songs in the correct artist, album, order. And if I'm free maybe someday I'll go find lyrics and place them all! Haha. Though those days are probably numbered )_(

So searching for music here and there became much more simpler with a new computer! Now hehe, all the past songs that I wasn't able to listen to due to various difficulties can be done! ^^

Its especially nice if I find a song that has these 2 people in the producing team.
周杰伦
方文山

Jay chou, needless for me to speak much of, since most of the chinese population in Singapore probably knows him, unless they are hardcore english music people of course.

The 2nd person probably has less fame but nevertheless I think he's a great guy. If you have the time and can read chinese, you should really look up the songs that he writes lyrics for. Really meaningful! Envious envious that I'm nowhere near as good in literature expression.

In both languages.

I shall go back for more music searching!

Walk into the Darkness, With Me

陳淑樺 夢醒時分

陳淑樺夢醒時分