Shady character.

How I love to be one. I like it when people feel threatened around me, when some part of them know they can't trust me fully, when I show them, once in a while how ridiculous and unethical things I could do, just to remind them never to forget what kind of person I am.

Because honestly, the other alternative is just way too scary. It's so dangerous for people to build too much trust in you. The expectation is crushing, whenever they feel they can rely on you to consistently do certain things well, on the basis that you either had done it before, or always have been doing it.

While I like to be as consistent as possible, I simply cannot stand strong under the crushing pressure of expectations.

So I cheat.

If they can't trust me, they won't. If they won't trust me, they won't expect me to do things for them. Saves them the disappointment if I actually attempted and failed. Right?

That being said, sometimes it still hurts. Maybe not like the crushing pain that sends adrenaline through the entire body, but certainly like a small part of you just broke.

But that's what I wanted isn't it? To make others think that I'm capable of the worst deeds, so that when it actually slips me by far enough to happen, they won't think it impossible of me.

I won't have to live by their expectations that everyone is a nice person, and that we should always do something socially acceptable. Right?

Right?