Maybe its not the end yet, but I still want to use the words 'in the end'.

In the end, its back to me again. Me and my dear blog here. For sanctuary it has been, shelter it has provided me. What no one wants to hear can be said here, what no one wants to face can be written here.

Truth is, why do I need a sanctuary in the first place? Is it really reality that pulls me apart from others?

Reality.

Ridiculous Earthly Adventuring Lies I Take Yearly?

Okay that's just crap. Whatever.

Maybe its just that my pace is never the same as others.

Everyone originally walks at their own pace. Some will be faster than you, and you would appear to be far behind. Others will be slower than you, and of course, you appear to be in front all the time. When no one around you has the same pace as you, you find yourself alone. Lonely, in fact.

What happens is we would try to slow down, or speed up, just to get back on track with someone else, side by side, stride by stride. Slowing down or speeding up takes effort. In speeding up, we find ourselves in lack of breath. Unable to continue keeping up. Whilst we have company, and lose loneliness, we also lose our ability to continue walking forward. Slowing down may not require much, but it is more uncomfortable than you actually realize.

Undoubtly, you would start to speed up. Only when you find yourself alone again, would you remember to slow down.

Perhaps that is why it is really important to find someone who has the same pace as you. Marriage partner, best friend, whatever. And perhaps that is why I can't seem to find any.

I knew I was different. Not the outstanding kind, nor the retarded kind. Just different from the normal, which ironically is whatever everybody is trying to do, to differentiate themselves from others.

But when they realize how lonely it is up here at such great heights, they'll understand going back down would be a better choice. After I walk at a stride that no one matches, and is too tired to alter my speed.

Fairytales. I often wonder what they were meant to do.

Trying to let children figure out the morale of the story? That never happens, the adults seem to love spoiling the story.

But anyways, watched the tale of the long hair-ed princess during my chalet! Instead of feeling magical, mystified and all those positive emotions, I felt that reality is far harsher than fairytales could provide.

Bitter? Maybe. Though I have to admit that the simplification of the life in fairytales might be really just to entertain the children.

Personally, the more I watch, the more I wish that the world was so simple. Everything and everyone is so straightforward. Everyone you see only has a basic purpose, and all of their actions are justified by it.

Nevertheless, I just hope that my life could be like a fairytale. Sweet and lovely openings, harsh storyline in the middle, happy endings.

If only life was this simple, I would probably gladly accept my sufferings.

Back from chalet! Its a nice cosy trip to celebrate our graduation from the tedious curriculum. Not exactly the most fun, but definitely one of the those where I spent most time with everyone I wanted to.

Then again, some walls never break down.

Person-to-person, there exists brick walls. For two strangers, the brick wall is complete and untouched. When they first meet and become friends, the first impression, first interaction determines whether the wall is to be heightened by laying more bricks, or knocked down, brick by brick.

Unfortunately, we are unable to knock those bricks from the bottom to topple over the foundation. Instead we have to go through the tedious process of taking off a brick at a time.

What's most irritating about this invisble wall is that while we still can look through it, we have no idea what its current height is. And that is it almost impossible to break down the whole wall. Even between the closest friends we have things we do not tell.

Especially if you're someone like me who believes in not putting all of the eggs in the same basket.

Reservations. They are akin to the margin that we already made on the wall. No way would we allow the wall to be lower than that. Some define it as the comfort zone of relationships. Others just look at it as a form of security.

The worst part is, re-building it is effortless. Breaking it down requires endless effort and time.

Soon enough, I might just develop claustrophobia.

So the end of one the major exams of my life. Not the most important definitely, but nevertheless one that benchmarks and differentiates the men from the boys. Though I might just fall into the category of the boys.

Sometimes I feel that the tests in life don't end. Every obstacle on the path of life seems to be a test. And whilst you can score full marks for a paper, its impossible to perfect a single test in life. Somehow, some way, there are better solution, better ways to do it.

And we never know, until one day we reflect on ourselves.

Then again, what's perfect? I used to think that the lack of flaws, of mistakes, means one is perfect.

The lack of. yea.

The perfect man would never get better, presumably he would never be overtaken. Though he obviously would be robbed of much joy that many don't realise mistakes, flaws bring you.

Being perfect ain't perfect at all. Really.

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
一辈子有多少的来不及
发现已经失去
最重要的东西
恍然大悟早已远去
为何总是在犯错之后
才肯相信错的是自己
他们说这就是人生
试著体会试著忍住眼泪
还是躲不开应该有的情绪
我不会奢求世界停止转动
我知道逃避一点都没有用
只是这段时间里尤其在夜里
还是会想起难忘的事情
我想我的思念是一种病
久久不能痊愈



当你在穿山越岭的另一边



我在孤独的路上没有尽头



时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸



却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息
汲汲营营
忘记身边的人需要爱和关心
藉口总是拉远了距离
不知不觉无声无息
我们总是在抱怨事与愿违
却不愿意回头看看自己
想想自己到底做了甚黱蠢事情
也许是上帝给我一个试炼
只是这伤口需要花点时间
只是会想念过去的一切
那些人事物会离我远去
而我们终究也会远离
变成回忆

oh 思念是一种病

oh 思念是一种病一种病
多久没有说我爱你
多久没有拥抱你所爱的人
当这个世界不在那黱美好
只有爱可以让他更好
我相信一切都来得及
别管那些纷纷扰扰
别让不开心的事停下了脚步
就怕你不说就怕你不做
别让遗憾继续一切都来得及


Its so meaningful *tears*. I'm a sucker for good lyrics. Too bad.

Facing exam questions are akin to going on a fishing trip. The kind that involves a big boat to capture large amounts of fishes in the middle of the ocean. Not the type that only requires bait and a rod.

So when you first see the questions, its akin to identifying the types of fishes you want to catch. First you gotta research where they often appear in, which waters, how deep, how many in a school, or even if they travel in a school to begin with.

What comes shortly is scanning of the seabed for the school of fishes. In the gigantic ocean, we need to scan part by part of the ocean to locate the fishes. Following the identification of the fishes comes the casting of the net. Casting the net does not ensure all fishes in the school are caught. The cleverer ones escape almost immediately, the smaller ones swim right through the holes in the net and the young ones are prohibited by law to capture.

What remains as the fishes, the substance, might jolly well be just a largely minimized amount as compared to the original potential yield.

Its at this moment that we realize we pretty much screwed up the exam.

Today marks the start of the A levels. A big exam in my personal life.

One of the reasons why there hasn't been much posts in the past month or so, and will continue into this month, is because all I'm reading are the syllabus requirements. So not really much ideas to write about.

But either way, my first paper would be taken in just a few hours time. Chemistry, not my best subject, one of my worse. I did do some revision though. Not very confident, though I have no idea why the people around me are more confident than me.

Then again, I like to say, we know ourselves best. Because the "you" people see, is the "you" you want people to see. Therefore they would not really understand how you're thinking.

Oh well, wish me luck )_(