Shady character.

How I love to be one. I like it when people feel threatened around me, when some part of them know they can't trust me fully, when I show them, once in a while how ridiculous and unethical things I could do, just to remind them never to forget what kind of person I am.

Because honestly, the other alternative is just way too scary. It's so dangerous for people to build too much trust in you. The expectation is crushing, whenever they feel they can rely on you to consistently do certain things well, on the basis that you either had done it before, or always have been doing it.

While I like to be as consistent as possible, I simply cannot stand strong under the crushing pressure of expectations.

So I cheat.

If they can't trust me, they won't. If they won't trust me, they won't expect me to do things for them. Saves them the disappointment if I actually attempted and failed. Right?

That being said, sometimes it still hurts. Maybe not like the crushing pain that sends adrenaline through the entire body, but certainly like a small part of you just broke.

But that's what I wanted isn't it? To make others think that I'm capable of the worst deeds, so that when it actually slips me by far enough to happen, they won't think it impossible of me.

I won't have to live by their expectations that everyone is a nice person, and that we should always do something socially acceptable. Right?

Right?

Silently, secretly wish that I'll never stop envying.

Envy may be one of the seven deadly sins, but at the same time, it represents a drive, a want.

Rather than fear how envy might one day drive me too ambitious for my own good, I worry more for the day that I stop envying. I stop seeking what I do not possess, silent in my resignation in my inability.

Oh how I wish that day never comes. No matter how bad the things are, its the simple human faith that we can make ourselves better, in one way or another that keeps us alive, keeps hope burning.

Which is why never underestimate envy. Today it might do nothing for you, tomorrow it might push you too far, but the day you let it go, is the day you stop living your life as a human being. But rather like a silent slave without a care in the world.

Which is worse? Having the same traumatic, repetitive nightmare every night just like in movies, novels and television shows? Or the daily new dosage of innovative tragedy the brain seem to be able to come up with every night?

Honestly I don't know. But for some reason the latter is happening to me recently.

And it sucks. Seriously.

Nightmares are nothing new to anyone. We've probably all had them in our lifes some time or another. But for some reason, the exhilarating chase our demons took us in within the nightmares seem to have evolved into something else.

While fear has always been a key factor in nightmares, what used to be adrenaline pumping, running for dear life, chasing to conplete disastrous amounts of work is now not present.

Instead, the current flavor of nightmares seem to take on the emotional side. How lost amidst the situation, how helpless one becomes in that dire straits. Its as if nightmares have progressed to remove the self-helping capacity. You won't lose if you run fast enough is now you lose no matter what you do.

And worst of all, is the inability to realise, to discover that it's a nightmare, its unreal, unrealistic and definitely not the truth.

In the past I might have been able to realise mid-dream that all these must be a dream. Nowadays? Absolutely none. Absolutely living till the end of the nightmare, to whatever forgone conclusion the mind's writer wants to write.

And to walk into the next nightmare seamlessly, till the savior known as the alarm rescues me.

What steels your faith?

What wills your faith into a tangible form you can wield before the world?

Religion? Ambition? Righteousness? Honor?

The list may go on and on, just like the faith does. But what happens to the faithless? What happens to one who has lost his/her beliefs?

How will you step out into the world, wield your will like a sword and face the world and all of its evils, its cruels? I look at people in envy when they are able to wield their will like a sword. They are able to justify everything they do with what steels their beliefs, their faith, in this world. Hold their heads high, shoulders braced for whatever the world has in stall for them.

But for the faithless could we say the same? Whilst I see others wielding a will of bright light, I see none of it in my own hands. While they could walk bravely with confidence that no matters what happens, they can stick to their beliefs, their ideals, cut down everything in their paths with their wills, what will happen to one devout of faith like me?

I could not possibly charge into the pitch blackness without a weapon in hand. Especially since what little faith I had left of myself, the very fundamentals of our being is being slowly eroded away by the world. Through time that flows like a river, shapes and erodes everything and everyone. But with faith, even if its just belief in oneself, we could stand against it, as if we are holding on to an anchor in this rich river.

But without, I could only imagine, where it will lead, as the current sweeps us away from what we know and into the abyss of a sea none of us has ever heard of. Where will this lead, when will I get there?

Will I find an anchor, a purpose, a faith in time to stop myself from draining away?

Ironically, only time will tell.

Since chinese new year is round the corner, here's my spring cleaning inspired post =)

或许在人于人之间的，不是一道墙，而只是一片透明的玻璃。

两个人刚认识对方时，就会花一点心思在着片玻璃。花的功夫越多，玻璃就越干净，透明。两个人就能开始看到批次，开始了解对方。

情人，知己之间，仿佛不曾有过模糊不清的玻璃。仿佛时时刻刻都能明了批次。

有时候，不知不觉，忘记了这片玻璃，它就会累积灰尘，久而久之，玻璃就不再透明，两个人也不再能够看清对方。

当我们发现这片玻璃已经模糊不清时才来付出心血，往往早已迟了一步。不管怎么努力地擦，玻璃依然黑漆漆一片。因为大家都忘了，玻璃是有两面的。一个人再怎么擦，没有了对方的合作，玻璃是永远不会恢复到那些透明的日子。

How do you love yourself?

What constitutes loving oneself? Some say it's loving your body, respecting own's soul. Does that mean that people who drink, smoke or do drugs don't love themselves? Probably not. Does that mean that prostitutes don't love themselves? Probably not.

How then would we know what it means to love yourself?

Is there a criteria? A checklist,  something that we can place a tick upon once we fulfill it?

I don't know. But what I do know is that there are people out there who don't love their bodies, but really love themselves. And on the other side of the fence, people like me who cherish the mortal flesh of my body, but don't really seem to be loving myself.

How then do we do it? How would we know if we've done it?

And if we can't even tell if we love ourselves, how then can we love another?

Why are we so sure we love another when really, we don't even know if we love ourselves?

Or is it just human nature to look at the world before us, through the eyes at the front of our heads, without looking down at itself, the body that houses the eyes, the head?

How does tears flow backwards into nothingness again?

Well I know when my eyes water, and vision blurs, its due to the release of tears by the tear glands. In a way I've always imagined it as a secretion of liquids by just another gland. Even the switch on this one is so emotional.

So then how are we able to 'suck' those tears of ours back? I've certainly experienced it a few times, like how tears were on the brink of falling, of leaving my eyes and somehow, but tilting back my head and closing my eyes for a few seconds, I could will them back.

All the way back as if they never existed.

Of course in reality they did. And if my original idea that the gland released liquid, it shouldn't, in theory be able to take it back, it should be like spilled milk, since glands only release and does not absorb (as far as I know).

So how does such an incredible miracle happen? How can we reel those drops of emotions and feelings back to where they were from and act like they never existed?

Maybe one day I'll find out from a tears scientist. If they actually exist. Hah.