Fate allowed it. It covered the first part of my carefully thought up plan. But nothing went according to plan.

Silence was the scenario. The worst scenario that I didn't account for.

Still failed.

Outwitted again

Hmmz. Will I face it tomorrow?

Nothing really good will happen if it does happen. But does that mean that I would choose to escape? Maybe, just maybe, I'll have to depend on fate. Just that even if fate lets us meet, even if everything's right. My heart probably refuses to give in.

My brain probably will stop me.

I don't know if its the right thing to do. I don't want to do it. But I have an impulse to just let go. Why hang on to a thinning rope? Perhaps after all this is done... I can open up. I can look at the sky and see how blue is it. Maybe the rain will stop coming down every afternoon.

Haiz.

There was a game plan. A plan with pretty much details even though it wasn't foolproof. There were many variables, unknowns. But it was a reasonable game plan. And it had a fatal flaw.

It involved more than just me.

All I can control is myself. The way I do things, the way I think, the way I speak. I can control no one else but me. I can blackmail, threaten, force, persuade. None of this will work if the opposition strictly does not comply.

And that's what I thought. Only one fatal flaw. I can live with it. Just that the flaw is really lethal when its been exposed before the game plan begun.

Nothing was supposed to happen according to the game plan yet. I was supposed to start when I really can. Not in the midst of these commitments.

Now I don't even need to start it. The opponent just kinda walked over? All those thinking, gone to the drains.

I said I was counting the chips a few months ago. I think I lost them all. Without even going all in. They got confiscated. I have no rights to play the game.


Tomorrow, maybe, I'll know why.

3 miss, 3 fouls, 6 rebounds.

We won today. But we never even shown a glimpse of happiness about the game. It was nothing like what happened with NJ.

Its not like we're taking it for granted. But personally, i don't feel any joy. No nothing.

Yea we won. Hurry. That's it.

Look forward? Hmmz.

Everything's that's coming up ain't gonna be easy. The teachers are really putting the gas on me. I'm suffering in JC. I'm not having a great time. They say just pull through it. Only if it was that easy. Haiz.

Everything has to wait till the compeition ends. Even though hopefully its not ending anytime soon. Freaking dilemma.

I shall wait for fate to play it out.

I'm hating lonely weekends. No doubt they gimme much needed time for homework and rest, but they also allow far too much time to myself for me to let my brain run wild. I'm thinking far too much, being sad far too often

Pathetic

350th post.

Its going to be a sad one. I hope the 400th one is going to be a happy one )_(. Though not even I myself is sure whether the 400th one will happen. Haiz.

I must be crazy to have the urge to drag all of the jaychou & jj lin music into my Ipod. And being someone steered by emotions, I went to borrow my sister's macbook to do so.

Now I'm emoing like shit because I'm listening to a playlist that just have the songs of these 2 artist.

Sure, they have happy songs.

So tell me why the only songs they sang that I can find in my computer are ballads. Sad, emotional ballads.

Haiz.

Honestly, I don't give a damn about how high other school's percentage 'A's are... Really.

I got an 'A' for Project Work. I'm satisfied. I'm happy. That's all.

So don't give me the "Get 'A' big deal arh? Lots of people get 'A' leh!". Who cares?

Regretfully Team YJC lost to ACS(International) yesterday. Till now, I believe its a regrettable lost. The guys are dejected. More than what they should be. We have people that witnessed many losses of the previous batches of Team YJCs, we have people who actually participated, and contributed to the losses.

So why the hell are they so sad?

This isn't the first time they lost. They isn't the first time they've got trashed. This isn't the first time things didn't work out on the court. This isn't the first time the ball just refuses to go into the basket.

But they looked as if we lost the finals when we shouldn't.

Why?

Don't they understand that its not over? Sure, its a bad predicament that we're now stuck in. But is it over? No. Nothing's final.

Maybe the win over NJC got into our heads. Let this be a wake-up call. We're in a compeition. Every game is a critical game for a team like us. We loosen up, slacken down one minute. We're done for.

And yet today while coach was talking...

I couldn't lift my eyes off them. His hand on her back. Definitely not over the shoulder, they know too well that they gotta behave themselves. They know all too well that they should be low-profile.

I won't even try to hide it. I'm jealous. Big time. I can't get over it. Period.

But instead of feeling sour like I should, I feel bitter.

Why?

20 days ago. 25th of march? Hmmz.

I'm impressed by myself. My tone didn't change. I was laughing. I hid it from everyone that I was hurting.

I asked. I couldn't do it too much or it'll be suspicious. But I think I did the exact right amount. Asking as much as possible in the short period of time like waiting for the traffic light. Gotta thank the YJC traffic lights. You've done me a big favor. Good job. I love you.

Yes I love you, so trust me. Dreams, passions, I'll fulfill them for you. So tell me your wish, cause I wanna be your genie.