The more they know of my ways, they better they guard themselves against me. Maybe i should have just stuck with a life of secrecy.

Can we really live a life without lies?

I've tried it, I've read about it. In the end what seems to happen more often than not is how people who claims to never lie ( Like I tried to do), just twists their words in a sense that its so vague and subjective that we mislead people into thinking something else.

Purposely.

So whilst a direct lie was never said and done, the intentions behind the partial truths are in a way worse?

But going back to why that happens. Can our every single action really justify our own causes so much so that we are unafraid of letting others know our intentions? Can we proudly proclaim our intentions, our actions to anyone and everyone who wants to hear? Probably not. At least, not in every single situation.

After all, freely giving knowledge always give us a sense of vulnerability. Being humans, I guess that's something we will always avoid?

Then again, would I really be able to live a life without lies? Without malicious intent, just a pure, content life untainted by lies and deception?

A passionate fire that burns quickly to dust or the slow flame that always seem to last.

With anger I would pretty much prefer the fire. Fast, furious and leaving fear in its wake. As if its sole purpose was to scorch its enemy to death, and then fade to nothing but ashes.

With love I want the slow flame. Warmth, welcoming and willing to stay small and silent. It could escalate to a bright burning fire with every little spice, yet cool to its original purpose without any vice. As long as we remember it does not burn without a little fuel, we can keep it on forever.

Yet in life things never go our way.

Anger is instead portrayed by the flame that bursts into outrages with just little bits of agitation, stealthy and lasting with grudges, and hatred fuels its low but omnipresence desires.

Love is instead the passionate fire that burns when lovers first meet, as if they were meant for each other from the beginnings of time, leaving bystanders green with envy. Yet it often burns faster than expected, leaving us puzzled how everything that could seem so right just a while ago, feels so wrong to our ego.

How then could we love like a slow, warmth flame, and hate like a hot, passionate fire?

Trouble trouble trouble.

Maybe I could appreciate some of Taylor's Swift's feelings now. Just like how you could feel it, on another level, trouble walking it.

Call it the sixth sense, call it intuition, the name doesn't matter, what matters is that nagging feeling that something wrong is about to happen, and if your will is strong enough, only if your will is strong enough, may you be allowed the chance to past it without harm.

I don't have a strong will.

So it goes back to that awkward. At the end of the day, humans are but animals, driven by primary instinct I guess. If you force people to spend time together long enough, perhaps they would eventually crave for one another.

Doesn't help when trouble comes from the past unforgotten, drives past today un-forgiven, into the tomorrow un-forgivingly.

In the past year, more than once I've heard people say, "You're the best thing that ever happened to us."

In fact, I would be more suspicious if they said that to me directly, like are you serious or are you just trying to get some benefit out of me?

But no.

They weren't telling me, they were saying it to someone else, their colleague, their co-worker. Not me. In a way, it makes me really believe that they meant it, truly and sincerely and yet in a another sense, I feel kind of burdened.

After all, all I did was to be myself. Uphold my values and do my job.

I don't know how the big picture works, all I know is to trust what job I am given, work on my micro part and hope that in the big picture, that's what is required of me.

Sometimes I wonder how I even reach that level of thinking. After all, isn't it human nature to desire attention, recognition? Don't we always want our efforts to be seen, to be awarded, appreciated?

But no? Ever since I certain time in my life that I can't really pinpoint, I've just relegated myself to someone who is more suited to be in the background, someone undeserving of the spotlight.

Whether it be in sports, where I'd rather be the one setting up others for the better shot, or in work where my thinking of doing my job well done is good enough. Sometimes I think I trust those who assign me so much so that I give myself up.

Some would call it selfless, but in all honesty its just probably an inferior complex.

If you can't dunk and would only embarrass yourself trying to do so, why not be the one paving the way for others to dunk? If you can't plan and manage ten people to complete a project, why not just be the one of the ten people who doesn't need to be managed so the project can run smoothly?

When was it that I have decided, being the one others look up upon is no longer who I want to be but rather being the one who helps others stand in the spotlight is a better me?

Hopefully though, I can stay true to myself, and continue to not covet what attention that should not belong to me.

Shady character.

How I love to be one. I like it when people feel threatened around me, when some part of them know they can't trust me fully, when I show them, once in a while how ridiculous and unethical things I could do, just to remind them never to forget what kind of person I am.

Because honestly, the other alternative is just way too scary. It's so dangerous for people to build too much trust in you. The expectation is crushing, whenever they feel they can rely on you to consistently do certain things well, on the basis that you either had done it before, or always have been doing it.

While I like to be as consistent as possible, I simply cannot stand strong under the crushing pressure of expectations.

So I cheat.

If they can't trust me, they won't. If they won't trust me, they won't expect me to do things for them. Saves them the disappointment if I actually attempted and failed. Right?

That being said, sometimes it still hurts. Maybe not like the crushing pain that sends adrenaline through the entire body, but certainly like a small part of you just broke.

But that's what I wanted isn't it? To make others think that I'm capable of the worst deeds, so that when it actually slips me by far enough to happen, they won't think it impossible of me.

I won't have to live by their expectations that everyone is a nice person, and that we should always do something socially acceptable. Right?

Right?

Silently, secretly wish that I'll never stop envying.

Envy may be one of the seven deadly sins, but at the same time, it represents a drive, a want.

Rather than fear how envy might one day drive me too ambitious for my own good, I worry more for the day that I stop envying. I stop seeking what I do not possess, silent in my resignation in my inability.

Oh how I wish that day never comes. No matter how bad the things are, its the simple human faith that we can make ourselves better, in one way or another that keeps us alive, keeps hope burning.

Which is why never underestimate envy. Today it might do nothing for you, tomorrow it might push you too far, but the day you let it go, is the day you stop living your life as a human being. But rather like a silent slave without a care in the world.

Which is worse? Having the same traumatic, repetitive nightmare every night just like in movies, novels and television shows? Or the daily new dosage of innovative tragedy the brain seem to be able to come up with every night?

Honestly I don't know. But for some reason the latter is happening to me recently.

And it sucks. Seriously.

Nightmares are nothing new to anyone. We've probably all had them in our lifes some time or another. But for some reason, the exhilarating chase our demons took us in within the nightmares seem to have evolved into something else.

While fear has always been a key factor in nightmares, what used to be adrenaline pumping, running for dear life, chasing to conplete disastrous amounts of work is now not present.

Instead, the current flavor of nightmares seem to take on the emotional side. How lost amidst the situation, how helpless one becomes in that dire straits. Its as if nightmares have progressed to remove the self-helping capacity. You won't lose if you run fast enough is now you lose no matter what you do.

And worst of all, is the inability to realise, to discover that it's a nightmare, its unreal, unrealistic and definitely not the truth.

In the past I might have been able to realise mid-dream that all these must be a dream. Nowadays? Absolutely none. Absolutely living till the end of the nightmare, to whatever forgone conclusion the mind's writer wants to write.

And to walk into the next nightmare seamlessly, till the savior known as the alarm rescues me.

What steels your faith?

What wills your faith into a tangible form you can wield before the world?

Religion? Ambition? Righteousness? Honor?

The list may go on and on, just like the faith does. But what happens to the faithless? What happens to one who has lost his/her beliefs?

How will you step out into the world, wield your will like a sword and face the world and all of its evils, its cruels? I look at people in envy when they are able to wield their will like a sword. They are able to justify everything they do with what steels their beliefs, their faith, in this world. Hold their heads high, shoulders braced for whatever the world has in stall for them.

But for the faithless could we say the same? Whilst I see others wielding a will of bright light, I see none of it in my own hands. While they could walk bravely with confidence that no matters what happens, they can stick to their beliefs, their ideals, cut down everything in their paths with their wills, what will happen to one devout of faith like me?

I could not possibly charge into the pitch blackness without a weapon in hand. Especially since what little faith I had left of myself, the very fundamentals of our being is being slowly eroded away by the world. Through time that flows like a river, shapes and erodes everything and everyone. But with faith, even if its just belief in oneself, we could stand against it, as if we are holding on to an anchor in this rich river.

But without, I could only imagine, where it will lead, as the current sweeps us away from what we know and into the abyss of a sea none of us has ever heard of. Where will this lead, when will I get there?

Will I find an anchor, a purpose, a faith in time to stop myself from draining away?

Ironically, only time will tell.

Since chinese new year is round the corner, here's my spring cleaning inspired post =)

或许在人于人之间的，不是一道墙，而只是一片透明的玻璃。

两个人刚认识对方时，就会花一点心思在着片玻璃。花的功夫越多，玻璃就越干净，透明。两个人就能开始看到批次，开始了解对方。

情人，知己之间，仿佛不曾有过模糊不清的玻璃。仿佛时时刻刻都能明了批次。

有时候，不知不觉，忘记了这片玻璃，它就会累积灰尘，久而久之，玻璃就不再透明，两个人也不再能够看清对方。

当我们发现这片玻璃已经模糊不清时才来付出心血，往往早已迟了一步。不管怎么努力地擦，玻璃依然黑漆漆一片。因为大家都忘了，玻璃是有两面的。一个人再怎么擦，没有了对方的合作，玻璃是永远不会恢复到那些透明的日子。

How do you love yourself?

What constitutes loving oneself? Some say it's loving your body, respecting own's soul. Does that mean that people who drink, smoke or do drugs don't love themselves? Probably not. Does that mean that prostitutes don't love themselves? Probably not.

How then would we know what it means to love yourself?

Is there a criteria? A checklist,  something that we can place a tick upon once we fulfill it?

I don't know. But what I do know is that there are people out there who don't love their bodies, but really love themselves. And on the other side of the fence, people like me who cherish the mortal flesh of my body, but don't really seem to be loving myself.

How then do we do it? How would we know if we've done it?

And if we can't even tell if we love ourselves, how then can we love another?

Why are we so sure we love another when really, we don't even know if we love ourselves?

Or is it just human nature to look at the world before us, through the eyes at the front of our heads, without looking down at itself, the body that houses the eyes, the head?

How does tears flow backwards into nothingness again?

Well I know when my eyes water, and vision blurs, its due to the release of tears by the tear glands. In a way I've always imagined it as a secretion of liquids by just another gland. Even the switch on this one is so emotional.

So then how are we able to 'suck' those tears of ours back? I've certainly experienced it a few times, like how tears were on the brink of falling, of leaving my eyes and somehow, but tilting back my head and closing my eyes for a few seconds, I could will them back.

All the way back as if they never existed.

Of course in reality they did. And if my original idea that the gland released liquid, it shouldn't, in theory be able to take it back, it should be like spilled milk, since glands only release and does not absorb (as far as I know).

So how does such an incredible miracle happen? How can we reel those drops of emotions and feelings back to where they were from and act like they never existed?

Maybe one day I'll find out from a tears scientist. If they actually exist. Hah.

Its as if all those prayers to no one in particular are finally heard by I don't even know who. Probably he-who-controls-fate.

It's like a reward, a gift, a consolation for all those silent prayers I don't even know I'm subconsciously saying. It's like a tragedy, a punishment telling me this is not over yet, and probably not anytime soon.

Distance never to be closed, glances and glimpses never enough to satisfy, insight never enough to understand. Life's own lesson never meant to be understood by mere mortals.

Someday you'll just be left wanting to reach for the light at the end of the tunnel. Because the whole world would too soon turn into that pitch-black tunnel, leaving only a glance, a glimpse of the light to push you forward, stripping away any excuses of giving up, of sinking into the darkness.

Promises are like theories. They can never be right and only lasts till the day they are broken. It takes everything to proof their existence and yet only a few anomalies to tear them apart.

With such unfavorable terms, one might wonder why did we even bother to make them. Why go through all the effort just for them to be broken someday, by someone?

Could it be their justification of the world? Justify things we see, things we hear, things we touch, things we do. Perhaps without them we can no longer understand ourselves, we can't explain why we see, hear, touch or do things.

Maybe they're necessary to prevent our mental world from collapsing, to tell us life still has meaning, reason to live for.

Even if its all of the wrong meaning, wrong reasons.

Because the truth is, we can't live without them. And every day we think up of new ones, create new cages to trap our minds in sanity. Because its necessary. Or at least I'll like to believe that.

Are you lonely because of a certain one-way love? In many a times perhaps you want to say 'don't love me', i'm not worth it. Yet other times you just wish to know so much more than you unknowingly turned into a stalker. Be a benign, harmless one. Because truthfully that one extra piece of information feels like a massage on your mind's shoulders, makes you feel fuzzy and satisfied. And probably why you keep doing it. You know you have to stay away, yet your heart beckons you ever closer, towards that pair of lips with its bright red lipstick. Falling, further and further is where you go, yet gravity is hardly the main concern. When you realise it one day, perhaps you'll go O.M.G. but till then, just like tonight, life goes on, hurt doesn't stop, and neither would time.

Love & Hate.
Because a story is a story, regardless of when or where it came from.

话都没说，就放弃
话都没说，就离去。

有时候我心想，天底下若真的行行出状元，那我最在行的，什么都不是，只是 ‘放弃’ 两个字。

可能时机还轮不到我，可能伤痛还轮不到我。可是我怎么见一面就怕，见一面就跑？

还能多久，还会多久，才能明了？才能面对？

或许逃跑是一种解脱，虽然知道不是长久的，但至少能远离痛苦，远离伤害。远走高飞。

I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

It's been years already, and I'm not even exaggerating. This is why I need to pick my fights. Because getting into the wrong ones just cripple and tumble me. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. And for someone who's obsessed with control most of the time, its just so freaking tough.

Why did I go back to that dog-ear page that I never looked at again? I don't even stand to gain. I really don't know what I am doing anymore.