The thing about gaming is that it hones your on-the-spot decision making so much so that you are so comfortable, so trusting about your own quick thinking that you procrastinate till the last second to do it even if the luxury of time and planning is given.

Which is probably why the fail to plan, plan to fail.

Humans are creatures of habit. It's probably something we all knew and expect, even for the fun-seeking, yolo-claiming youths with hot blood coursing through their veins.

The point is that we don't like change. We like to conform to what we know best, do what always work, and only be creative when the our default actions don't work.

So one fine day when I was shores away, my friend exclaimed that he is a excessive creature of habit that is extremely unwilling to react to change and "try something new". So here's a snippet of our conversation (From what I remembered and interpreted from my point of view, does not represent actual words being exchanged but only representative of those words.)

Friend: I'm a creature of habit luh
Me: So you don't like change?
Friend: Yeah, like to stick with my choices
Me: hmmm

.... awhile later....

Me: What about progress? Do you like progress?
-thinks for awhile-
Friend: Yeah I like progress.
Me: Then isn't progress just positive change? How can we like progress and dislike change?

And yep, that's the very question that till now I'm still thinking about. If I'm expected to answer right now, my reply would probably be the following.

Yes progress is just positive change. However, progress is determined after the effects of change is observed. Construction sites you see around the neighborhood is change, progress is the increased amount of homes available for the people. Yes we dislike change, just like how we hate the drillings in the morning, the piping on the roads when we're driving, but no, we do not despise progress. When all's said and done, we do like progress, just like all the skyscrapers we can see in our city. After all, it is the ends that justifies the means.

In fact, it is extremely contradictory to the popular belief that the process is what really matters. Especially if the ends justify the means. And the truth is we have seen that way too many times. Whether a rebellion is determined as a revolution or rebellion is through the eventual winner with the power. Whether a crusade is justified depends on the accomplishment of the objectives. Whether an unfortunate incident is determined as a misfortune or a blessing in disguise is dependent on later events we can't fathom now. Whether a drama is a tragedy or a comedy depends on its ending.

Whether change is determined as progress or otherwise depends on the final equilibrium.

It's not what we do when we're uncomfortable that's scary, but rather the direct opposite.

In uncomfortable situations, we are often forced, or encouraged to change the situation, be in through unusual behavior, or creative problem solving skills. In short, we are not being ourselves when we stuck in uncomfortable situations. Contrary to belief where the unpredictability associated with discomfort is often what causes many seemingly illogical actions to be questioned and feared, I feel that being overly comfy is what really scares me.

When one is overly comfy, we tend to take liberties that we otherwise would not have, and the worse part is, it is more often than not subconscious decisions rather than active decision making. In other words, when we lack the stress factor, we begin to reveal more and more of our true natural that we probably wanted to, and has been hiding for the most part of our lifes.

At the same time, we might not even be aware of how ridiculous we can get when we get too comfy. To me, this is far more dangerous than the seemingly illogical decisions that one takes in uncomfortable situations. First of all, most people(I think) are able to sense the discomfort of others and hence learn to approach or handle with caution, making disastrous actions or decisions less disastrous. On the other hand, people who get too comfy don't realise it is happening, and similarly, so don't the people around them.

How do we stop ourselves from going too far, if neither us, nor the people around us can sense it?

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. Isn't it how people with common enemies seem especially able to bond together?

Such is the viewpoint of my mortality such that I seem to often overlook the goodness is human beings that unfortunately appears inadequate in times of need.

Perhaps if I had been able to look from a bright side, I would realise common enemies bond people together by presenting a common problem. One that often forces people to cooperate and work together to avert the common crisis.

And when its all said and done, they'll think about it just before their heads hit the pillow, and start to appreciate what each of the other has done to help the situation together,  be it good or bad.

I guess such appreciation is what really lacks in our everyday lifes, and in times of need, forces us to really open the eyes we did not want to utilise,  to see the truth that might not be nice.

Then again, at the other side of the spectrum,  I can't help but sigh at the increased hostility that occurs when things don't go to plan in averting the crisis.

For the same problem,  two totally different scenarios might occur, what determines which is happens can be wide and varied, yet at the end of the day, we know its all about fate. Personality, intelligence, reflex, problem -solving skills, language skills,  they are but just chess pieces on the chessboard of fate.

Oh how I wish I could learn the ways of fate, though I probably should be careful of what we wish for. Cause we just might get it all.

Flashback some ten years back, when I in primary school, my favorite teacher asked the class to form a sentence with the phrase '妒忌'. Back then I earnestly raised my hand and said, "小明对他们的羡慕慢慢变成了妒忌 。"

She said it was a very good one because it clearly shows my understanding of the difference between '羡慕' & '妒忌', and the fact that they are distinctly different.

Back then I was but a child, yet already seem so intelligent for my age to many.

Fast forward ten years,  I'm no longer considered a child,  yet that subtle difference between the two grows much small,  and my ability to tell them apart grew much larger.

Did the world change? Or did I change, seemingly not for the better?

The problem with staring from afar is that sometimes, when you care enough, when you decide that distance is something too much to bear, you gather up the courage to go closer, beckon them to come closer and abruptly realize, the reason why you have been staring from afar to begin with.

Still, sometimes you wish you could say,
"Come to me closer."

\

Is the lack of ambition due to lack of ability, or lack of motivation?

Sometimes I think to myself, if right now I had more responsibilities, would I have the same lack of ambition? And the answer is a straightforward, outright no.

What if today we have people to take care of, people who is completely dependent on us whether it be in work, family or friends. How then can we justify the same actions right now that we are doing?

And therefore, how can we justify what we're doing right now, in this point of our life, if we know all along, its because we can afford to, and not because we should?

The past is your textbook, the present, your test, the future, your result. There are no lecturers, professors, teachers, just you in a lonely race. Everyone else you know face the same time, and helping each other can be beneficial, if the present situations are similar.

As time go by, the textbook get thicker, the test gets harder, the results get more uncertain.

More often than not, you realize the textbook is so thick that you can't study everything, but rather try to understand parts of it well, parts of it you hope can help in your test that will bring about a better result.

The test changes all the time, today it might be on general knowledge, tomorrow on people relations, the next time on presentation of speech. And yet the textbook does not change. It's the same old one, just every getting thicker. Sometimes it helps you in the test, sometimes it appears to be totally worthless to the current test.

As for the results, no one knows for sure what you'll get until you actually get it. And yet it always seem so ever important to get a good result, for life isn't a game, but a constant test of your mortal abilities to best yourself. Sometimes, the textbook cover everything tested, the test had questions you thought you knew all the answers too, yet the results still appear way less than desired. And we get baffled over how that happened.

Yet in the end we still turn to that ever-thickening textbook, looking for answers that we don't even know if it really exists, to prepare for a test that we don't even know which topic would come up, just so we can attempt to have a better result that we don't even know what it is for.

How ironic is life?

I once read somewhere that says people should only get into relationships if they are fine living independently, because only in that way, would a partner be value-adding, and not just pure dependence that will damage both parties in the long run.

With regards to that, I daresay I was pretty confident I was ready for one. But now? Not so sure anymore.

Isn't it weird how I felt that being alone was perfectly fine and that any companionship was just a bonus? Its similar to how I wouldn't mind striking the lottery, but I never bothered to buy any lottery tickets. Now that I actually attempted to buy a ticket, not striking the lottery actually makes me feel way worse than if I had never bought it in the first place.

Is it really just the loss of investment that comes back to bite? Or the emotional capital put into it? Personally I don't think so. To me, it feels more like how you look at that lottery ticket, that same one that failed to win you any price money. And think, and pity, and wonder, at all the unfulfilled potential it had. All the price money it could have won, all the happiness you might have been able to buy with that price money. Everything, that never existed in the first place, if one didn't buy the ticket to begin with.

How ironic.

End of the semester, end of the year.

If there was one thing that rings non-stop throughout this semester of education, it is the idea of "self-fulfilling prophecies."

In life, many of times, to cope challenges that life throws us again and again, we learn, through suffering and experience that sometimes, it is just better to anticipate the future, and hence do something against it today, before it hits us tomorrow.

While it makes perfect sense and only seem like a sensible thing to do, expectations have a major loophole. How would you know your expectation is the perfect/correct one? The truth is, no one knows, and the best we could do is make educated guesses. How reliable is betting your future on educated guesses? Apparently enough for most of us to do it regardless.

In fact, the damage is does is probably more than most of us are aware of. At least I dare say I was pretty guilty to the consequences. For example, expectations can cause stable markets, banks to crash in a matter of a few weeks or months. Just because of unfounded rumors or wrongly interpreted facts. That simple, one person says the wrong thing, a thousand people believes and takes action, a million sees interprets it as the beginnings of the prophecy, the whole market crashes.

Was the market even in trouble in the first place? Probably no. Is it, after just a simple rumor/misinterpretation? Yes, and in fact in a world of hurt. (We assume no government has intervened to save it.) Hasn't that then become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If only it stopped there. A common problem people with depression or anti-social tendencies is the act of rumination, or the repetitive reflection or thinking of the same worries and facts. A person with depression might over-think his circumstances so badly that what seemed to be a manageable situation could be imagined into one that he/she has no hope of ever solving. They expect much more problems to pop-up and give up due to the possible additional complications instead of just simply solving the problem in front of them right there and then. Further depression then develops and the problem does indeed become unsolvable. Kudos to them seeing it coming?

In a way, people with anti-social tendencies are worse. They seem to interpret every single bad interaction with people as a sign that they're bad at interacting with people. They expect people to dislike them and shun away even though what they might have really needed was just some normal interaction to "restore their faith in humanity".

Expectations, self-fulfilling prophecies. Complicating what could have been a simple problem to a big complicated, incomprehensible one.

Sometimes, things in life just aren't as complicated as it seems. We just need to take things in stride and solve things that come our away, one boring brick at a time. While learning how to anticipate change and stay relevant is undoubtedly good, perhaps we should consider how we would never know whether our anticipation is true and hence should always leave some leeway for better judgement.

Should we ignore someone just because we think he/she is a bad person? Such stigmatization only leads to...

Yep you guessed it, "self-fulfilling prophecies".

Hostility breeds hostility. Misunderstandings cause more misunderstandings. How could we tread through this maze of life and attempt to remain sane I really have no idea. But since we're already in this cycle, why don't we trust what has been equipped to us, passed down from our ancestors, and pray we could do it, just like they could, which is how we came to exist in the first place?

Never really realized how ironic things can be when you read about them in the text, versus actually obliviously doing it yourself.

In self-serving bias, people usually contribute their own failures to external or situational factors while thinking that when others fail it is mostly due to internal or dispositional factors. In other words, we as humans often think that we fail due to factors that are beyond our control, the situation that are out of our hands, and (to our own benefit) not because of our decision making or choices.

At the same time, when looking at other people experiencing failures, we often judge them as incompetent, failing because their abilities were never good enough to begin with rather than because of the complexity of the situation, which we contribute to ourselves.

Looking back a few posts, isn't that exactly what has happened to me?

From blaming fate, to not questioning the majority of my own actions, haven't I myself followed the typical prototype of human behavior? At the same time, to an external party (I asked, yes), its pretty obvious they overestimated the importance of internal traits, and almost completely ignored the situational factors that happened.

Upon this realization, all I felt was how small, typical, and just another average Joe I am. Why should I think myself any different? Why even bother trying when (haha) it makes no difference?

Pensive - Quietly sad or thoughtful

Rumination - To go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly, to engage in contemplation.

Source http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/

 

Two very appropriate words to describe me, the way I view things, the way I think about things. Very appropriate indeed.

I think I did it.

I think I threw away all and every minute chance possible for me to get back the answers I really wanted. Flushing them straight out, locking them straight down. All those questions, perhaps never to look back again.

But the pursuit of knowledge has haunted mankind since the dawn of time. It is what causes, and makes the difference between that one guy who stepped out and got killed by a lion and the other who stepped out and found a haven. I am but no exception.

First and foremost... WHAT HAPPENED?

It seems kind of embarrassing that till date I still don't really knew what tipped the scales. Yes I have a clue. But that was just a small feather to the scale, at least to me, to date, what I think. Perhaps it was just but a small action that caused a series of never-look-back reactions.

Next, and most common of all... HOW?
Essentially its the same question I guess? But how did whatever happened cause whatever reactions? Its like seeing a chemistry experiment going wrong and having absolutely no idea what was in the apparatus, how did it react that way, which leads me to the next question.

WHY?
Was I mixing in the wrong solutions to begin with? Or was I totally oblivious to what I'm actually messing around with? I often pride myself as a being a quick judge, even if the judgement imposed isn't the most accurate, because it allows for a quick good evaluation of something someone that I'm about to face. Did I go totally and utterly wrong? Because if that's really the case I need to change my schema, concepts, everything I learnt in my life about judging people and things. Because to go so horribly wrong, entails a horrible judgement that I guess, should never be used again.

Is there any way to clean up the mess?
Or perhaps, I should say, was there any way to clean up the mess? Could I have done anything, nothing, everything, whenever, whatever that could actually help? Or was I upon a doomed path the moment I picked the wrong fork? So much for being proud of being a avid gamer who only plays games that requires real-time decision making.

Last but not least, is the question to myself that I probably will never be able to answer.
Could things have been different if I had done this instead of that, turned left instead of right?
Maybe? With a large percentage of no. It was probably like trying to scale Mt.Everest without proper training. Could I have made it? If I trained diligently everyday a few months prior to the trip. Maybe yes. Maybe if I had the discipline, the patience, the endurance, the determination, yes. Otherwise? Hah. Doesn't take a genius to understand the stupidity of such an aim. But was there a possibility? I can't help but feeling yes, if I played my cards right from the start.

I guess hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps I should never blame myself.

When all's said and done, I'll understand someday, the game was lost the second intentions were known. Which is actually pretty ironic actually. Which player would play a game of chess with you without the intention of winning (actually I can think of a few, but I digress)? Isn't there right there and then the open intention being known to both players?

How then could I say the game was lost the second intentions were known?

Too many questions, too little answers. I send them away, and bury them deep(hopefully). But here in the safe haven of mine. It shall (hopefully, again) never be lost and if one day fate decides to take pity on me and let me have the answers I thought I shall never see, I won't regret throwing it into the depths of the sea.

It's so painfully obvious. But I shouldn't spoil their fun right?

Because lonely people see the social environment as threatening, they respond with feelings of hostility, stress, pessimism, anxiety, and low self-esteem ( Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Their behavior begins a loop of self-fulfilling prophesies.

Very depressing... Indeed. Also a signal for me to seriously start getting a life, stop whining on social media. Get real with my feeling and another 2 million stuff I know I would never do. 

Probably.

Like always, I try to at least post on my birthday. Even if the rest of the year I didn't put up a single post on this blog, every year on my birthday I would put up one.

Somehow this places just feels a little like a virtual home, no matter how far away you go, you'll always go back to that safe haven, that feeling of home. Other than the fact that this home is virtually open like 4 walls are glass or something.

That being said, it also means that the number of post in each year to directly proportional to how sad I feel each year. And just thinking of that reminds me of the time where for almost two years, this place barely got populated. Yet recently its just been post after post, sadness after sadness.

Which is why I probably need to pick up my shit. Look at above ^

If I were to make any resolutions for the time ahead, which I kind of don't, most of the time, then all I hope and wish is for a smooth journey. Hiccups make life challenging, but life seem to be challenging enough without them.

And to the only one "God" that I ever believed in, dear fate, please spare me agony and let my year ahead be fruitful. Yours truly, mortal me.

"Lying blatantly is just another way of telling the truth." And "Only omit things that you don't want others to know, and try to not lie, unless its an obvious, blatant one (where everyone knows you're lying)."

Never expected my own life philosophies to bite me in my ass.

Guess that's what people call "taste of your own medicine."

The second intentions were known, I knew i didn't stand a chance winning the game of chess.

Reality hit quickly, and objectives were changed in a rush, painful moment. Stalemate was all I'm going for. That's what I thought. That's what I said. That's what, objectively speaking, could still be achieved and so I strive towards it.

But things turned sour fast. It started to become apparent to both players stalemate was at best a hopeful guess.

I refused to concede. Not just like that I told myself. I don't want to go down as just another person who lost at the hands of you, I wanted to take that bit of selfish pride down with me. Like how at the very least I would be remembered as someone who tried too hard, fell too fast, but still memorable.

Look at where that got it now? The state of the game is just as bad as before, lost all my weapons, my pieces, my pride.

Until perhaps I realise I actually have nothing more to lose.

It's the never ending pursuit of knowledge. Without knowledge we live each day with fear, not knowing what to come, what to expect,  what to do.

With knowledge we understand the cruelty this world brings, the sadness, evil,  undesirable things we wished we didn't have to face. And how it bears down on our conscience knowing its out there but doing nothing to help it.

Here then presents the irony of a lifetime. To know and be depressed about our helplessness, or to not know and be helpless?

Loneliness can initiate a cascade of negative interactions that further separate the individual from the social contact he or she needs and wants.

Now THAT explains a lot.

P.S. it was taken from a psychology textbook so it can be trusted.

Choosing a woman is like choosing a pen.

First all of you want a pen that is comfortable to use. Something that would not displease you when you use it. Next you would want it to be lasting, durable despite long hours of use. While it doesn't have to be absolutely pretty, I'm sure everyone wants a pen that they are comfortable bringing out, letting other people see/judge the pen they use. If the pure usage of the pen itself attracts judging looks and teases, many probably would just choose another pen. If you're able to find a pen that works perfectly comfortably with you, lasting, durable and respectable enough to carry it around anywhere you go, then the price of the pen should not be a problem and most people would probably buy it even if its price is a little steep.

I think you get what I'm trying to say.

I look at the possibilities. What could have been, should have been. What I may have achieved if things wemt well.

When situations force me out of these choices I can't help but feel really sad. At the same time I can't help but blame fate. For all dipositional aspects are already in motion, towards the goal. Yet it still failed without being attempted. Who else to blame but the situation and fate?

Maybe fate's will works like an invisble hand, I always compared to a puppeteer's hand holding on to our precious strings. Now I seem to think his hand could do much more than that.

Unless of course, fate is actually on my side.

What if all fate was trying to do was to deny me the chance to further fall and hurt myself? What if fate knew how, if I went ahead, how things would miserably fail and I would never stand tall and proud again?

And dear ungrateful human is just here blaming fate.

But as mortals, I guess we can't help but think we rather face the truth, the hurt straight on. Even though sadly, most of the time that ain't true.

A simple look was all it took.

When you catch a person unaware, their first reaction would be the most honest, unmasked one you'll ever see.

A smile and things can go a mile,
A scowl and the heart goes crumbling down.

I've once read somewhere that the will is a muscle. If you strain it too much, it'll break down on you and stop working. If you train it bit by bit, pushing it to near limits every time, then it gets stronger and stronger till you can weave it as you please.

Like a muscle, it has its original intended function, yet with practice can be wielded to many purposes. We don't ever realise how much we're using it, until it collapses and the lack of it surfaces disastrous effects.

At the same time, I've never realised how difficult it is to control thoughts.

Everyday, day to day, we learn how to restrict, to control, our actions, our speech, how we talk, how we act, but the underlying thoughts behind them are granted free rein. It is as if we can think of whatever we want to, and not suffer from it, as long as it doesn't show on the surface, on our words, our moves.

Now that I attempt to tame what has been let free for too long, I find the task improbable, and failing many times a day. The only way to control one's thoughts is through enforcing the will on the mind. And yet my will is but a weak and faltering muscle disused way too often in thought-control.

What happens is simply disastrous.

Sometimes the will breaks down and thoughts run a free, breaking the tight reins the will imposed and pulls along emotions that was kept away. Other times repetitive thoughts overpower everything else and impulse, instinct, takes over and threatens speech and action.

How then would I be able to control a beast fed too fat from years of indulgence?

Sometimes I see myself as an amphibian. The one that dwells under a well. When I look up, the sky is only a circle, just that small round circle. Occasionally I see clouds, occasionally the big bright sun. Sometimes the moon appears in its various forms, and other times disappearing for days and weeks altogether.

Tunnel vision doesn't affect me, but SNSD is the only sky I see.

Maybe flying across the sky is a swan that I'll never be, but that doesn't stop me from lusting the flesh of its wonderful body.

Sometimes voices speak to me, asking me why don't I ever leave. I just don't know what's good for me, in the world that I'll never see.

Erikson's psycho-social stages

In young adulthood, people face a challenge of intimacy vs isolation.

It is often described as a fork in the road where if successful, leads to the path with the more desirable outcome. However if the wrong path taken, less than ideal outcomes would often surface, which in this case is obviously the result of isolation.

It can be thought of in a way that people at this age group requires some form of identity and intimacy already formed. Without which, what often entails is the constant feelings or loneliness and isolation. It isn't so much so that they can't find intimacy anymore but more like they suddenly realise, rather painstakingly that maybe isolation suits them better. Even if the realisation is misguided.

How would they then get out of this cycle?

I have no idea, since I probably require the answer too.

After depression comes denial, and acceptance follows right behind. Beginning to think that the great old puppeteer has once again fooled my mortal minds, blunt those instincts that I've come to trust so dearly.

Maybe it's really the learnt helplessness kicking in. Just like how I realize at the end of the day, we are all just animals, fighting for the same things that animals would fight for, just in a different and supposedly more civilized way.

Just like how learnt helplessness disables the ability to struggle, perhaps one day I'll learn to wriggle comfortably in unease so much so that I'll slowly forget the consciousness of others.

Where to one, one is the world, yet to the world, one is nothing but a speck of dust.

Once and again, it happens. Fate plays us around like little pieces on the chessboard, and I'm just a pawn that deserves no special attention.

Why then? Every time I come close to stopping, to understanding, to enlightenment as some might call it, divine intervention stops me? Is it the lack of resolve that leads the devil to tempt, or just the good old angel guiding towards the right direction when I'm off my track?

Its as if my decision don't mean a thing to any of them, and that with a simple flick of the wrist they could rewrite my destiny, my circumstances, my decisions.

Learnt helplessness?

Maybe I should just stop feeling, stop desiring and my sufferings would stop, like what Buddhism preaches, since it lies the closest to my atheistic views.

And here I am talking about angels and devils, how ironic.

How do you win in a chess if you show your intentions right away?

If your opponent already knows what you're up to, how can you go around it and win? It might seem real foolish, especially since the intentions were purposefully set forth in an obvious manner, just so they would be known.

Well what if the other option may allow you to play the game with small chances of victory but the looming threat that you would forever stay as just a chess mate to your opponent? Nothing more than someone who he/she plays chess with occasionally (or not)?

Maybe the read on the situation wasn't clear enough to realize one option heavily outweighs the other, but at the same time, availability heuristics has clouded judgement and who is to blame since heuristics is always our first course of action, even though it is often bias and incorrect, as compared to algorithms?

Is it even possible to base one's thinking and decision making purely on algorithms?

When dreams are so sweet that you regret waking up.

I guess that's the beauty of fantasy. I've always dreamed far and wide in my nightly adventures, while they often involve twisted realities, they've never seem to make me regret waking up.

Until today.

Somehow it hurts more to know that whatever just happened in the dreams will not come true, and hurts even worse to realize the reason for dreaming for it is because too much thought has been given to it during the waking hours of my life.

Think of the impossible so much, that it comes back and haunt you as a sweet dream. Only for you to wake up with a sense of disappointment and regret.

How cruel can the mind get?

I really need to start on another Kdrama. Just run away from this cruel reality into the world of fantasy where no matter how bad things get, at the end of the day, thanks to consumer demand, director's intentions, there will always be a happy ending. Always.

Some people might see this as running away, and not dealing with the problem. To me, whenever a problem arises, there is only one thing to do.

Deal with it, come up with solutions, do whatever you think you can.

If that fails, run away.

Because one if you hit a wall, try punching it, kicking it, and nothing happens except bloodying your knuckles and knees all you can do is run far from it. No, no climbing it. Run away. Avoid it. If it moves, you move away from its path of purpose.

When reality is seem like a wall in your freaking face, let fantasy embrace. Nothing can go wrong in fantasy that doesn't turn out right. We all need that assurance in our lifes, even if it doesn't exist in reality, we need to believe it exist, somewhere.

Market Failure: Whose fault is it really?

Entering a market without demand is never a wise move. Yet I did it. Should I be surprised that supply was zero? After all, supply would not exist without demand right?

Whatever it is, or was, I've already entered the market, invested in the hardware, and while they could say I didn't lose anything since the hardware is still considered my asset, I know jolly well know that it is a sunk cost that I can never get back.

Will this market ever be alive? I'll never know, but since I already entered the market, and can't pull out in the short run, I guess the only rational thing to do is to try and minimize losses? Or perhaps, revive the market?

How do you revive a market that has no demand? Even though I'm probably, and hopefully the only supplier.

The inability to step into the shoes of others is not a shortcoming.

Its a blessing.

Its adaption so what happens to other people won't affect us in a more innate state.

Ignorance, perhaps, is after all, bliss.

Is this right? Am I walking towards the right direction? Am I biting off more than I can chew? I don't even know anymore. Lost control way too fast, way too soon. Life was supposed to be simple, but it never is. I guess I really overestimated myself.

Its like a rose, with many promises of good things. Beauty? I don't think so, but just something we can't do without, or we thought we can't do without. The second we grab it, we feel the thorns, penetrating the skin, piercing the flesh. We feel the blood, some trickling a long stream of red, others joining to form a river. Had we knew this was going to happen, would we have grabbed the rose a first chance? I don't know. All I know is that, the thorns are still there, I am still holding the rose, and the senses are starting to dull the effects. Maybe one day the fingers will numb enough to ignore the pain, but I know for sure, the second I picked up the rose, that I would never put it down again.

The past few days has been an eye opener. Rather than a "interesting look to a new world" kind of thing, it was actually a forced "open your eyes now, ignorant" experience. For the past many years, I was contend with not knowing about the world. Current affairs, government policies, changes in the real world. I didn't need to know them. And so I did not know them. However, with the recent events where suddenly everything is relevant, everything needs to be known. I can't help but feel that the sudden cultural change is overbearing. I can't seem to adapt to these new circumstances when in the past I could cruise such things easily. Have I become weaker? Or has the competition thinned to such an extent that every other person is at least as good as me? How then, am I supposed to survive?

"Misery is optional". Oh how I love that quote.

How do you stop the blowing wind? You can shield yourself from it with a windbreaker, an umbrella. You can build a shelter to protect your friends and families from it, but how? How can you stop the blowing wind?

I don't know what to think. Thought evades my mind. Have I lost the ability to think carefully? Maybe I really need to go back to school, just so I can remember how to think. Depressing.

So I'm trying this out to see if it solves my paragraphing problem. Hope it does! Today is one of those days that you feel nothing exactly special had exactly happened, but you know, just having fun with old friends and playing the good old sports really revitalizes the poor sad soul and makes you unable to hide that damn smile when you sleep. The best thing about talking to the friends I've known for the longest time is the fact that they literally just live next door =)

Went to the ice skating rink in an attempt to improve my balance in life. I think it worked out pretty fine!

刀子口，豆腐心。

因为放弃的那瞬间，一丝希望也没有了。所以总是在心里的某一处继续燃烧着那细小的火焰，不让它熄灭。

Trying to keep emotions in check and failing to do so all the time. Sometimes I wonder if I go over the line, but in the heat of the moment I just can't help it. Maybe keeping a cool head in heated situations is necessary learning objective.

The biggest lie I've ever told myself is that I could freeze my heart. That I could part with my emotions and control them. That I maybe, perhaps, have the slightest chance of not feeling. Its just simply not possible. No matter how hard I try. Sometimes they feel like a gentle Jacuzzi, soothing and not at least threatening. Other times they feel like a wave an amateur surfer would have troubles with. And occasionally, a torrential tsunami. Rendering my control to be nothing but useless.

Apparently there's something wrong with paragraphing. I have no idea why... But let's just say that a split in the road can leave many confused and indecisiveness will make them hesitate too much, and result in them making the two choice between the two. Now I have 3 choices. Great, just great.

错过于失去的分别在于曾经拥有。

I've been here in my mind 10 times, 20 times, and every time I made the same decision, to go back the way I came. But now that there's no more turning back...

When the bad habit of running away from your fears meet the bad habit of procrastination, life simply gets harder.

Comfort zone is a very important thing in everyone's life. Regardless of whatever we do, we are often most comfortable in there. Someone once quoted that we as humans, are just like ships. When we're in our comfort zone, we are akin to ships docked at the port, definitely safe and sound, but not what the ship was initially built for. To conquer the stormy seas are the purpose of ships, for its passengers can never do it on their own. Similarly, in each and every one of our lives, we are not meant to stay within that little piece of space we love to snuggle it, but rather go out and get bashed by the stormy seas of life. How hard it is, however, to survive them? How much, does our fears hold us back? I guess its different for everyone. I often like to think of this in terms of singing. When we're in our comfortable range, hitting that series of notes seem simple. And the only difficulty is adding emotions into seemingly simple notes. However, when the song challengers us to go into a series of notes beyond our comfort range, how do we handle it? Do we try recklessly, risk running out of breath and going totally out of tune? Or do we attempt to take a step by step approach to slowly build up our range so that we can one day hit it comfortably? Or the one that I feel most people take, which is to just lower the key of the whole song? In life is there time to build up our experience so that we can enter past uncomfortable situations comfortably? Or are we supposed to recklessly get bashed and hope we learn the lesson so that it won't happen in the future? Probably just run away. They say it doesn't solve the problem. And I agree. But not facing it is often better, even if its only in the short term...

One of life's toughest assignments, is the pretense of knowledge, or lack thereof. Sometimes we know, yet life needs us to pretend we do not know. Other times we are oblivion to it, yet required to put up a fictional understanding of it. More than just purely knowledge, it applies to many things in our daily life. Maybe you really want to care, want to know, want to help. Yet you need to pretend you not know, not care, not sympathetic. Life's little lessons, hard to learn, and I often wonder if someone like me, who always need an idea of the correct answer in order to tackle the tough question, will be able to master it.

I too, wish that I can believe. But I can't. I simply don't believe. Not in humans, not in teams, not in the supernatural. Perhaps my lack of faith is my greatest weakness in life. How I wish I could change that too.

People often like to share stories of great people. Great men and women that had displayed exceptional behavior, intelligence or moral values. They are, most of the time, meant to be inspiring, so we, as average human beings, would be inspired to do well, or just better. Somehow I often feel depressed when seeing them. How amazing they seem to be able to go through life and come out ahead. Media seems to convey to us that each and every one of us has something special, that perhaps we've yet to discover. But they, just like us, not know where or how to find it. Greatness? Born with it, or discovered from within? I guess I'll never know. And I'll never seem to fail to remind myself how, irregardless of how great people may be, I'm still just the simple average me. To be better than me is no longer to be me, yet it is the me I would aspire to be.

Finally started watching Singapore dramas again! While I think the overall quality and feel is still not up to par with dramas from other countries, I think they're getting better and having really great ideas!

Haven't written a mega-long post in a mega long time. Perhaps one tomorrow? If I actually get some insipiration. Haha. Its good practice for essay writing don't you think?

The most dangerous lies are those you yourself believe.

I'm kind of sure I've said this before Maybe in certain part of us, we like sadness. For in pain, comes ecstasy, and in loneliness, freedom.

Thought invoking incident. So one fine day I was watching SNSD on radio star, and Sunny said something very interesting to TaeYeon. She told her not to be so sad, not to feel so sad after listening to sad music(namely ballads). What if, to be a good ballad singer like TaeYeon, that is the price to pay? To be able to sing so soulfully into ballads, is due to the fact that the soul of the singer is sad? Would an ordinary person like me willingly pay it? I mean, singers are celebrities, they do it for various reasons, such as fame and money to quote a few. What about us? What about mortals like me? Does that mean we can never be able to sing ballads well just because we don't experience as much sadness? Do we need to be sad before we can sing a sad song?

In the heat of the moment, we have approximately a 50% chance of making a right decision. However, once we hesitate, we lose even that 50% chance. Experience will help, but ultimately its what we think at the split second that will solidify our decision. Sitting back to consider the situation calmly is a luxury for people like me, and I'm not guilty to say so.

If there's going to be a 2013 new year resolution, Mine shall be to continue being a tryhard in everything I do and if possible, try even harder!