Oh dear, I got a feeling that I'm gonna use up that 3 days of MC.

Sian. Missed ST2 retest, missed bio mock SPA. Missed 3 chem lectures in total.

Dear teachers, I gotta clarify one thing. No matter how lazy a student you may think I am, I have the sense to go try and read up on what I've missed.

Here's the truth. There's no way I could do that. Believe it or not. Even every step I take results in me drenched in sweat. It just takes too much effort to move around. Let alone concentrate on reading notes. The brainpower just isn't there alright.

Yea I may have to stay back everyday for the next week to catch up, so be it. Beats trying to fight against the disease man. The only stable state that I can be in is lying in bed. In which I have to be careful of bed sores. So sorry if I may look like some irresponsible student that didn't do any homework in 72 hours of non-school.

And yes, most likely I won't be going to school tomorrow.

Live with it.

3 days MC.

Suspected case of H1N1/Dengue Fever.

Thought ya my body's breaking down. I'm so sick now I don't wanna move. Therefore I chose to visit the clinic instead of a polyclinic. They charge like 10x more? Haha.

$59.50

I'm gonna be so dead if my mum knew that I conned her. Haha.

Argh, I'm still burning... Can anyone come visit me ^^?

I know you know.

You don't have to say anything. I read behaviour like a psycho. Every look, every carefully chosen word, body language unknown to even you yourself. I read them all.

They gave you away. I applaud though, for the effort. I haven't been wrong.

I'm impressed.

By myself, for holding in everything. For valuing the compeition much more than anyone could imagine. Yeah, the other guys worked hard. They attempted to be better, focused on the game.

But this tournament holds much more significance for me. And I'm not even including the fact that its the first time I've been in an official sports tournament.

My mind knows it.
My body knows it.
My heart knows it.

Its the beginning, and the end. I held back everything for the compeition. And seeing how everything just explodes once its over just tells me how much I've really been holding back.

Yes, its over. We lost, we're done. We're fallen soldiers.

But honorable ones.

My mind, body and heart are suddenly empty. They lost their will to fight alongside with me. I can't concentrate on work. My mind's trying to recover all that has been held back all these time. My body broke down. I'm coughing, sneezing like mad, the very day the compeition ended. My body knows it, that it does not need to hold back anymore. My heart lost all the passion for everything. It just doesn't beat like it used to. Passion, dreams, hopes.

Down the drain.

Like how am I supposed to see a world deprived of my wants?

You're beautiful. Its true.

Pathetic.

How many people actually go to concerts alone? AND look primarily not at the performers, but someone in the audience?

Real pathetic.

Was late, sweating like mad, and the freaking auditorium was trying to be environmentally friendly. Woah. I'm just glad I didn't stink the people around me. They were strangers whom I never met because I was late.

Pretty entertaining concert, but if I had to be skeptical, it wasn't exactly worth the money. But nevertheless it was fun! Just that the quality isn't that high. Haha.

And I arrived home full of regrets. Haiz

Cyanide. She's poisonous, addicting.

I'm ignoring all human common sense. I want to know more, understand more. I wanna talk, chat, play, fool around somemore. I know I shouldn't. I don't care anymore.

Morally unethical? I'm a bad person to begin with.

Fate allowed it. It covered the first part of my carefully thought up plan. But nothing went according to plan.

Silence was the scenario. The worst scenario that I didn't account for.

Still failed.

Outwitted again

Hmmz. Will I face it tomorrow?

Nothing really good will happen if it does happen. But does that mean that I would choose to escape? Maybe, just maybe, I'll have to depend on fate. Just that even if fate lets us meet, even if everything's right. My heart probably refuses to give in.

My brain probably will stop me.

I don't know if its the right thing to do. I don't want to do it. But I have an impulse to just let go. Why hang on to a thinning rope? Perhaps after all this is done... I can open up. I can look at the sky and see how blue is it. Maybe the rain will stop coming down every afternoon.

Haiz.

There was a game plan. A plan with pretty much details even though it wasn't foolproof. There were many variables, unknowns. But it was a reasonable game plan. And it had a fatal flaw.

It involved more than just me.

All I can control is myself. The way I do things, the way I think, the way I speak. I can control no one else but me. I can blackmail, threaten, force, persuade. None of this will work if the opposition strictly does not comply.

And that's what I thought. Only one fatal flaw. I can live with it. Just that the flaw is really lethal when its been exposed before the game plan begun.

Nothing was supposed to happen according to the game plan yet. I was supposed to start when I really can. Not in the midst of these commitments.

Now I don't even need to start it. The opponent just kinda walked over? All those thinking, gone to the drains.

I said I was counting the chips a few months ago. I think I lost them all. Without even going all in. They got confiscated. I have no rights to play the game.


Tomorrow, maybe, I'll know why.

3 miss, 3 fouls, 6 rebounds.

We won today. But we never even shown a glimpse of happiness about the game. It was nothing like what happened with NJ.

Its not like we're taking it for granted. But personally, i don't feel any joy. No nothing.

Yea we won. Hurry. That's it.

Look forward? Hmmz.

Everything's that's coming up ain't gonna be easy. The teachers are really putting the gas on me. I'm suffering in JC. I'm not having a great time. They say just pull through it. Only if it was that easy. Haiz.

Everything has to wait till the compeition ends. Even though hopefully its not ending anytime soon. Freaking dilemma.

I shall wait for fate to play it out.

I'm hating lonely weekends. No doubt they gimme much needed time for homework and rest, but they also allow far too much time to myself for me to let my brain run wild. I'm thinking far too much, being sad far too often

Pathetic

350th post.

Its going to be a sad one. I hope the 400th one is going to be a happy one )_(. Though not even I myself is sure whether the 400th one will happen. Haiz.

I must be crazy to have the urge to drag all of the jaychou & jj lin music into my Ipod. And being someone steered by emotions, I went to borrow my sister's macbook to do so.

Now I'm emoing like shit because I'm listening to a playlist that just have the songs of these 2 artist.

Sure, they have happy songs.

So tell me why the only songs they sang that I can find in my computer are ballads. Sad, emotional ballads.

Haiz.

Honestly, I don't give a damn about how high other school's percentage 'A's are... Really.

I got an 'A' for Project Work. I'm satisfied. I'm happy. That's all.

So don't give me the "Get 'A' big deal arh? Lots of people get 'A' leh!". Who cares?

Regretfully Team YJC lost to ACS(International) yesterday. Till now, I believe its a regrettable lost. The guys are dejected. More than what they should be. We have people that witnessed many losses of the previous batches of Team YJCs, we have people who actually participated, and contributed to the losses.

So why the hell are they so sad?

This isn't the first time they lost. They isn't the first time they've got trashed. This isn't the first time things didn't work out on the court. This isn't the first time the ball just refuses to go into the basket.

But they looked as if we lost the finals when we shouldn't.

Why?

Don't they understand that its not over? Sure, its a bad predicament that we're now stuck in. But is it over? No. Nothing's final.

Maybe the win over NJC got into our heads. Let this be a wake-up call. We're in a compeition. Every game is a critical game for a team like us. We loosen up, slacken down one minute. We're done for.

And yet today while coach was talking...

I couldn't lift my eyes off them. His hand on her back. Definitely not over the shoulder, they know too well that they gotta behave themselves. They know all too well that they should be low-profile.

I won't even try to hide it. I'm jealous. Big time. I can't get over it. Period.

But instead of feeling sour like I should, I feel bitter.

Why?

20 days ago. 25th of march? Hmmz.

I'm impressed by myself. My tone didn't change. I was laughing. I hid it from everyone that I was hurting.

I asked. I couldn't do it too much or it'll be suspicious. But I think I did the exact right amount. Asking as much as possible in the short period of time like waiting for the traffic light. Gotta thank the YJC traffic lights. You've done me a big favor. Good job. I love you.

Yes I love you, so trust me. Dreams, passions, I'll fulfill them for you. So tell me your wish, cause I wanna be your genie.

they're like what happens in romance novels when the characters are fucking. All they do is to call out each others names

NS check-up is screwed.

Especially so when you go alone. Have you ever been late even though you left the house 2 hours before the appointment time? I freaking did.

The location was like impossible to find la. What the hell. Should have taken a taxi like many people suggested. Haiz, overconfident with my own abilities.

Went in there and got PES A for all of the current tests. Probability would change after they look at the X-ray of my backbone, which is curved 26 degrees. Hahahaha. Unexpectedly, the eyesight was still under acceptable range. 6/9 or smth liddat.

Even though I thought I was going to be blind soon.

But the most time-wasting event was the freaking aptitude test. Omg la. Total waste of time. So what if its important in determining if you would be able to enter command school. I was freaking hungry. That's important.

And after going through the disastrous, traumatising aptitude test. IT STARTED RAINING.

Like pouring cats and dogs or something.

Thanks to the medical clinic being located in the midst of defence technology towers, the nearest bus-stop that was accessible from the Central ManPower Base(CMPB) was like some 200metres away. I think they scared people put bomb in the bus-stop's rubbish bin or something. Argh.

So I walked in the rain like some stupid idiot without an umbrella from the CMPB to the main entrance. Then from the main entrance to the bus-stop. Totally drenched.

And took the first random bus(57) cause it says it goes to bishan.

I honestly thought it would head straight to bishan from Bukit Merah. It freaking took me to HARBOURFRONT first. So the uber hungry me decided that I would eat something first.

After all I had gone without a meal from 11.30 to 5.21pm when I walked out of CMPB.

Damn stupid 1 big round and ended up in yishun only at 7pm. Arghhhh.


How I wish you would look at me
How I wish you would smile at me
How I wish you would just love me
How I wish I wasn't so greedy
How I wish I know they are impossible.

Parent-Teacher Dialogue(PTD).

It has always been my personal philosophy to separate the two.. Like with a barrier or something. I always liked it when they have minimal contact.

Just let me tank everything la. Inform them for what. I'd responsible. I won't run from it anyway.

So expectedly the conversations weren't very positive. They were focusing on my bad points, which is typical so I don't really blame them... But please keep your extrapolation to yourselves? Yes you can expect of me to do well. But I'm not the studying type like you all like to think I am. I sorry.

Yeah that's what I hate about PTD.

Teachers always like to say one freaking point.
"If he studies and makes the effort he'll definitely do well". But I think Ms Ng's one is like epic. (Direct english translation) "Oh, I've never once doubt that he wouldn't get his straight As if he puts in the effort".

GEE GEE GEE GEE

A ton just fell on my shoulders. Nice one.

Oh oh, and that all had one common point. Me playing basketball. HAHA. Exaggerated versions include seeing me playing basketball early in the morning 3-4 times A WEEK. Whilst the general saying is that I'm pretty energised during ball time and not during lesson time...

Haha. Too bad =P.

And they're on pretty concerned about when A div's ending so I can quickly get back on my feet for studying. Hmmz. I'm wishing it drags on cause that'll imply that we're getting further and further!!!

I tried so hard on the past. Didn't manage to make it. Now that I wanna forget, it appears, innocently and smiling

It feels good to be appreciated. To know that you're useful, and not just there because you seem to be.

Sorry, but I'm still talking about basketball.

Its significant to me. Its the 2nd time, I came out of the court(for a substitution) where Mr.Wong reached out his hand and said, "good play yancheng". I felt honoured. Yea. I truly do.

Then my seniors were telling me
"good job on the defense"
"nice d"
"wa u jump very high for the rebound"

Things like that.

You may think that some words of yours don't matter to others. You have the freedom to say what you like. I tell you. It matters. Every single comment can push one up or pull one down.

The tongue is mightier than the sword.

We won NJC. We made history. We cleared the largest obstacle of our path so far.

And all of us are enjoying it. Even though its only the first game of the compeition.

I'm horribly guilty though. While everyone wanted us to believe. Really believe, that its possible for us to win. I didn't. I tried to. But I didn't, deep down I always thought we're just deluding ourselves. We're just creating an illusion, a facade to protect our fragile hearts.

But we did it.

I believed, ultimately, on the bus, when shaowei gave us some teamtalk. I honestly believed.

Though I think I still paid for not believing in the first place. Haha.

To begin with...
The air up there is nice. Fresh and everything when you jump. But there's just this tiny little problem. We, cannot, defy, gravity. So with a little help from the opponent's center(A key position in basketball), I met with the ground much faster than gravity were to pull me.

Landed on my freaking back. Hit the floor hard on the back of my head. Sure, he said sorry. Just wondering if he meant it. I'm just kind of glad I didn't suffer a concussion. Hahaha.

The most embrassing thing is. I couldn't get up. There's this momentary lag time that took me back to my senses. Whilst in it, no wonder how I tried to find my balance, I couldn't stand. Someone had to pull me up from behind. Till I got on my feet.

So people, be grateful you can stand.

Then in the last minute confusion of panic that all 10 men on the court has, my chin scraped the opponent's head. He fell to the floor and shouted at the referee, and I felt my chin bleeding. But there was no time to attend to it.

44-44

We all knew the importance of that last 10 seconds. Win it, or break it. And the ball's with us. Like every single drama, some star would rise to the occasion, throw the game winning shot from no man's land and score the basket.

But we're living in reality.

The buzzer sounded. The game is over.

44-44

And our very own YJ star was holding the ball. At the line, gearing up for his 3 free-throws that would determine the fate of not just the game, but most likely the whole course of the compeition.

45-44

46-44

47-44.

Miracles do happen.

Ofball fingers, the right thumb

Headache early in the morning. Argh!!!

All I can say is they were freaking right.
Build your house(your sanctuary, fortitude, will, resolve, determination, etc) brick by boring brick(strongly, diligently) or the wolf's(the bad guy/thing/object) gonna blow is down(destroy without much effort).

Yeah, it all broke down before her bloody smile.

I'm not starting to hate her, just that I understand the need to stay away. Yet even if I die I can't bear to send her to hell. It no longer matters.

What's poison what's medicine? It's all the same thing.

Medication, used under wrong circumstances are no different from poison, they no longer help you but destroy you. Poison, meant to cause you harm, can actually heal you if applied correctly (Yi Du Gong Du/Fight poison with poison).

Freaking got a headache on saturday night when I downed just HALF a can of JOLLY SANDY. Total wtf. It's supposed to help me enter my dreams more peacefully. Just had the exact opposite result. I couldn't even finish the can luh.

CSU. Haiz, FAILED MY CHEMISTRY. Sobs~

It still sucks even if you saw it coming, because you'll always have the small inch of hope that never dies out, like the light coming from a small hole, until the truth hits in your face till you can barely stand up.

Monday morning and I failed maths and chemistry. Sian

Guess I found the right song.

외톨이야 by C.N. Blue they're a new band =)

Here's the english translations:


TRANSLATIONS

*외톨이야 /I'm a Loner/Alone*

(I'm a loner. I'm a loner.
I'm a loner. I'm a loner.)

Look, look at me, me. Look at me straight in the eyes.
Look, you are already look at elsewhere.
Check it one two three, you only keep looking at the clock.
You don't have to tell me. I know you got someone else.


(Rap)
You've been meeting someone else often lately.
You don't even call me first anymore.
When you are with me, you would only look at the sky even if a day is a second long.
Oh~ I know your mind. The distance between you and I.
Getting farther and wider. We are no better than strangers.


# oh baby I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~ I'm a loner. I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner. I'm a loner being sad at love, shedding tear at love. sad sad sad sad sad sad sad tonight. My hurt hurts.
Oh no no no no no body knows, how I feel.
one two three four five six seven night, I'm cheering up myself passing many nights awake.

(Rap) If you had just told me honestly
that you got someone else. That you hate me.
Then I wouldn't have hated you to death.
check it one two three. Remembering your words, they are all silly lies.

# Repeat

Love is going. Love is leaving.
(One person and one love. Everything that I've been used to)
I should erase you after tonight.
(Yes, I should force myself to erase you. I should do so since you abandoned me)
(Gone Gone my love is gone)


I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~ I'm a loner, I'm a loner. daridiridara du~
I'm a loner, I'm a loner. I'm a loner hurt by love and waiting for love.
sad sad sad sad sad sad sad tonight, I want this to be a dream.
Oh no no no no no body knows, no body knows me.
one two three four five six seven night, I'm crying passing many nights awake.

ROMANIZATION: Blue 923@Cnblue-sky.net
TRANSLATION: 1takeKK@Cnblue-sky.net

I placed the entire 182 songs in my ITouch on shuffle. Yea pathetically little I know. Cause I've always believed in putting the songs that I really, and only want. Even if its for those few days.

And I abolised that when I started downloading albums.

And now I'm punching 'next' like no tomorrow, trying to find, in the vast(but not so vast) sea of songs, one that really suit my mood.

I think I pretty much really know why girls like to read romance novels(assuming those that do in the first place), it creates an illusion. One that tells you of the things you really wanted to experience, things that you can't. Not in real life. At least there's the idealistic one to look up and upon to.

Drown in it. Take off into the world within the pages. Illusion it might be, painkiller it will be. So as long as you're in it.

And yet I'm stepping into it, readily, with wide-open arms.

Despite warning myself for years. That everything is...

All but an illusion.

I've heard it from him, now I want to hear it from you, personally.

Announce the end of the race that never begun, stab the already dead heart. I have to admit, I'll be like an addict without his drugs, smoker without his cigarattes, gambler without cards. And I'll have to live with it. Until I get over it.

Got into college team. Annouced yesterday. Very happy for a while. Until I saw the faces that the guys who didn't make it were trying to hide. The line was drawed. And I didn't realise it. Its unavoidable now. Things are going to be awkward these few days. Haiz.

Everything's going perfectly according to plan, I trained and got into it but now I'm pretty sad about it. Even though it might sound hypocritical since I wouldn't give up the slot even if I could, but its doing us no good. Not the team, the people in the team. Just like last year. I fully appreciate my seniors' feelings now.

Stupified.

Things come and go. Strike the iron while its hot or miss the arrow that never returns to its bow. I saw this coming, not so fast and furious but expected it. Still it hurts like never-ending and no matter how I tried to hide it, it still leaves a scar like a tattoo I can't erase.

Live another 60 years on earth and my heart would probably cease to move. I need something, someone, some feelings. Cause I'm feeling empty like a stupid idiot. And things have yet to hit me hard yet.

Numb?