Silently, secretly wish that I'll never stop envying.

Envy may be one of the seven deadly sins, but at the same time, it represents a drive, a want.

Rather than fear how envy might one day drive me too ambitious for my own good, I worry more for the day that I stop envying. I stop seeking what I do not possess, silent in my resignation in my inability.

Oh how I wish that day never comes. No matter how bad the things are, its the simple human faith that we can make ourselves better, in one way or another that keeps us alive, keeps hope burning.

Which is why never underestimate envy. Today it might do nothing for you, tomorrow it might push you too far, but the day you let it go, is the day you stop living your life as a human being. But rather like a silent slave without a care in the world.

Which is worse? Having the same traumatic, repetitive nightmare every night just like in movies, novels and television shows? Or the daily new dosage of innovative tragedy the brain seem to be able to come up with every night?

Honestly I don't know. But for some reason the latter is happening to me recently.

And it sucks. Seriously.

Nightmares are nothing new to anyone. We've probably all had them in our lifes some time or another. But for some reason, the exhilarating chase our demons took us in within the nightmares seem to have evolved into something else.

While fear has always been a key factor in nightmares, what used to be adrenaline pumping, running for dear life, chasing to conplete disastrous amounts of work is now not present.

Instead, the current flavor of nightmares seem to take on the emotional side. How lost amidst the situation, how helpless one becomes in that dire straits. Its as if nightmares have progressed to remove the self-helping capacity. You won't lose if you run fast enough is now you lose no matter what you do.

And worst of all, is the inability to realise, to discover that it's a nightmare, its unreal, unrealistic and definitely not the truth.

In the past I might have been able to realise mid-dream that all these must be a dream. Nowadays? Absolutely none. Absolutely living till the end of the nightmare, to whatever forgone conclusion the mind's writer wants to write.

And to walk into the next nightmare seamlessly, till the savior known as the alarm rescues me.