End of the semester, end of the year.

If there was one thing that rings non-stop throughout this semester of education, it is the idea of "self-fulfilling prophecies."

In life, many of times, to cope challenges that life throws us again and again, we learn, through suffering and experience that sometimes, it is just better to anticipate the future, and hence do something against it today, before it hits us tomorrow.

While it makes perfect sense and only seem like a sensible thing to do, expectations have a major loophole. How would you know your expectation is the perfect/correct one? The truth is, no one knows, and the best we could do is make educated guesses. How reliable is betting your future on educated guesses? Apparently enough for most of us to do it regardless.

In fact, the damage is does is probably more than most of us are aware of. At least I dare say I was pretty guilty to the consequences. For example, expectations can cause stable markets, banks to crash in a matter of a few weeks or months. Just because of unfounded rumors or wrongly interpreted facts. That simple, one person says the wrong thing, a thousand people believes and takes action, a million sees interprets it as the beginnings of the prophecy, the whole market crashes.

Was the market even in trouble in the first place? Probably no. Is it, after just a simple rumor/misinterpretation? Yes, and in fact in a world of hurt. (We assume no government has intervened to save it.) Hasn't that then become a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If only it stopped there. A common problem people with depression or anti-social tendencies is the act of rumination, or the repetitive reflection or thinking of the same worries and facts. A person with depression might over-think his circumstances so badly that what seemed to be a manageable situation could be imagined into one that he/she has no hope of ever solving. They expect much more problems to pop-up and give up due to the possible additional complications instead of just simply solving the problem in front of them right there and then. Further depression then develops and the problem does indeed become unsolvable. Kudos to them seeing it coming?

In a way, people with anti-social tendencies are worse. They seem to interpret every single bad interaction with people as a sign that they're bad at interacting with people. They expect people to dislike them and shun away even though what they might have really needed was just some normal interaction to "restore their faith in humanity".

Expectations, self-fulfilling prophecies. Complicating what could have been a simple problem to a big complicated, incomprehensible one.

Sometimes, things in life just aren't as complicated as it seems. We just need to take things in stride and solve things that come our away, one boring brick at a time. While learning how to anticipate change and stay relevant is undoubtedly good, perhaps we should consider how we would never know whether our anticipation is true and hence should always leave some leeway for better judgement.

Should we ignore someone just because we think he/she is a bad person? Such stigmatization only leads to...

Yep you guessed it, "self-fulfilling prophecies".

Hostility breeds hostility. Misunderstandings cause more misunderstandings. How could we tread through this maze of life and attempt to remain sane I really have no idea. But since we're already in this cycle, why don't we trust what has been equipped to us, passed down from our ancestors, and pray we could do it, just like they could, which is how we came to exist in the first place?

Never really realized how ironic things can be when you read about them in the text, versus actually obliviously doing it yourself.

In self-serving bias, people usually contribute their own failures to external or situational factors while thinking that when others fail it is mostly due to internal or dispositional factors. In other words, we as humans often think that we fail due to factors that are beyond our control, the situation that are out of our hands, and (to our own benefit) not because of our decision making or choices.

At the same time, when looking at other people experiencing failures, we often judge them as incompetent, failing because their abilities were never good enough to begin with rather than because of the complexity of the situation, which we contribute to ourselves.

Looking back a few posts, isn't that exactly what has happened to me?

From blaming fate, to not questioning the majority of my own actions, haven't I myself followed the typical prototype of human behavior? At the same time, to an external party (I asked, yes), its pretty obvious they overestimated the importance of internal traits, and almost completely ignored the situational factors that happened.

Upon this realization, all I felt was how small, typical, and just another average Joe I am. Why should I think myself any different? Why even bother trying when (haha) it makes no difference?

Pensive - Quietly sad or thoughtful

Rumination - To go over in the mind repeatedly and often casually or slowly, to engage in contemplation.

Source http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/

 

Two very appropriate words to describe me, the way I view things, the way I think about things. Very appropriate indeed.

I think I did it.

I think I threw away all and every minute chance possible for me to get back the answers I really wanted. Flushing them straight out, locking them straight down. All those questions, perhaps never to look back again.

But the pursuit of knowledge has haunted mankind since the dawn of time. It is what causes, and makes the difference between that one guy who stepped out and got killed by a lion and the other who stepped out and found a haven. I am but no exception.

First and foremost... WHAT HAPPENED?

It seems kind of embarrassing that till date I still don't really knew what tipped the scales. Yes I have a clue. But that was just a small feather to the scale, at least to me, to date, what I think. Perhaps it was just but a small action that caused a series of never-look-back reactions.

Next, and most common of all... HOW?
Essentially its the same question I guess? But how did whatever happened cause whatever reactions? Its like seeing a chemistry experiment going wrong and having absolutely no idea what was in the apparatus, how did it react that way, which leads me to the next question.

WHY?
Was I mixing in the wrong solutions to begin with? Or was I totally oblivious to what I'm actually messing around with? I often pride myself as a being a quick judge, even if the judgement imposed isn't the most accurate, because it allows for a quick good evaluation of something someone that I'm about to face. Did I go totally and utterly wrong? Because if that's really the case I need to change my schema, concepts, everything I learnt in my life about judging people and things. Because to go so horribly wrong, entails a horrible judgement that I guess, should never be used again.

Is there any way to clean up the mess?
Or perhaps, I should say, was there any way to clean up the mess? Could I have done anything, nothing, everything, whenever, whatever that could actually help? Or was I upon a doomed path the moment I picked the wrong fork? So much for being proud of being a avid gamer who only plays games that requires real-time decision making.

Last but not least, is the question to myself that I probably will never be able to answer.
Could things have been different if I had done this instead of that, turned left instead of right?
Maybe? With a large percentage of no. It was probably like trying to scale Mt.Everest without proper training. Could I have made it? If I trained diligently everyday a few months prior to the trip. Maybe yes. Maybe if I had the discipline, the patience, the endurance, the determination, yes. Otherwise? Hah. Doesn't take a genius to understand the stupidity of such an aim. But was there a possibility? I can't help but feeling yes, if I played my cards right from the start.

I guess hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps I should never blame myself.

When all's said and done, I'll understand someday, the game was lost the second intentions were known. Which is actually pretty ironic actually. Which player would play a game of chess with you without the intention of winning (actually I can think of a few, but I digress)? Isn't there right there and then the open intention being known to both players?

How then could I say the game was lost the second intentions were known?

Too many questions, too little answers. I send them away, and bury them deep(hopefully). But here in the safe haven of mine. It shall (hopefully, again) never be lost and if one day fate decides to take pity on me and let me have the answers I thought I shall never see, I won't regret throwing it into the depths of the sea.

It's so painfully obvious. But I shouldn't spoil their fun right?

Because lonely people see the social environment as threatening, they respond with feelings of hostility, stress, pessimism, anxiety, and low self-esteem ( Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010). Their behavior begins a loop of self-fulfilling prophesies.

Very depressing... Indeed. Also a signal for me to seriously start getting a life, stop whining on social media. Get real with my feeling and another 2 million stuff I know I would never do. 

Probably.

Like always, I try to at least post on my birthday. Even if the rest of the year I didn't put up a single post on this blog, every year on my birthday I would put up one.

Somehow this places just feels a little like a virtual home, no matter how far away you go, you'll always go back to that safe haven, that feeling of home. Other than the fact that this home is virtually open like 4 walls are glass or something.

That being said, it also means that the number of post in each year to directly proportional to how sad I feel each year. And just thinking of that reminds me of the time where for almost two years, this place barely got populated. Yet recently its just been post after post, sadness after sadness.

Which is why I probably need to pick up my shit. Look at above ^

If I were to make any resolutions for the time ahead, which I kind of don't, most of the time, then all I hope and wish is for a smooth journey. Hiccups make life challenging, but life seem to be challenging enough without them.

And to the only one "God" that I ever believed in, dear fate, please spare me agony and let my year ahead be fruitful. Yours truly, mortal me.

"Lying blatantly is just another way of telling the truth." And "Only omit things that you don't want others to know, and try to not lie, unless its an obvious, blatant one (where everyone knows you're lying)."

Never expected my own life philosophies to bite me in my ass.

Guess that's what people call "taste of your own medicine."

The second intentions were known, I knew i didn't stand a chance winning the game of chess.

Reality hit quickly, and objectives were changed in a rush, painful moment. Stalemate was all I'm going for. That's what I thought. That's what I said. That's what, objectively speaking, could still be achieved and so I strive towards it.

But things turned sour fast. It started to become apparent to both players stalemate was at best a hopeful guess.

I refused to concede. Not just like that I told myself. I don't want to go down as just another person who lost at the hands of you, I wanted to take that bit of selfish pride down with me. Like how at the very least I would be remembered as someone who tried too hard, fell too fast, but still memorable.

Look at where that got it now? The state of the game is just as bad as before, lost all my weapons, my pieces, my pride.

Until perhaps I realise I actually have nothing more to lose.

It's the never ending pursuit of knowledge. Without knowledge we live each day with fear, not knowing what to come, what to expect,  what to do.

With knowledge we understand the cruelty this world brings, the sadness, evil,  undesirable things we wished we didn't have to face. And how it bears down on our conscience knowing its out there but doing nothing to help it.

Here then presents the irony of a lifetime. To know and be depressed about our helplessness, or to not know and be helpless?

Loneliness can initiate a cascade of negative interactions that further separate the individual from the social contact he or she needs and wants.

Now THAT explains a lot.

P.S. it was taken from a psychology textbook so it can be trusted.

Choosing a woman is like choosing a pen.

First all of you want a pen that is comfortable to use. Something that would not displease you when you use it. Next you would want it to be lasting, durable despite long hours of use. While it doesn't have to be absolutely pretty, I'm sure everyone wants a pen that they are comfortable bringing out, letting other people see/judge the pen they use. If the pure usage of the pen itself attracts judging looks and teases, many probably would just choose another pen. If you're able to find a pen that works perfectly comfortably with you, lasting, durable and respectable enough to carry it around anywhere you go, then the price of the pen should not be a problem and most people would probably buy it even if its price is a little steep.

I think you get what I'm trying to say.

I look at the possibilities. What could have been, should have been. What I may have achieved if things wemt well.

When situations force me out of these choices I can't help but feel really sad. At the same time I can't help but blame fate. For all dipositional aspects are already in motion, towards the goal. Yet it still failed without being attempted. Who else to blame but the situation and fate?

Maybe fate's will works like an invisble hand, I always compared to a puppeteer's hand holding on to our precious strings. Now I seem to think his hand could do much more than that.

Unless of course, fate is actually on my side.

What if all fate was trying to do was to deny me the chance to further fall and hurt myself? What if fate knew how, if I went ahead, how things would miserably fail and I would never stand tall and proud again?

And dear ungrateful human is just here blaming fate.

But as mortals, I guess we can't help but think we rather face the truth, the hurt straight on. Even though sadly, most of the time that ain't true.

A simple look was all it took.

When you catch a person unaware, their first reaction would be the most honest, unmasked one you'll ever see.

A smile and things can go a mile,
A scowl and the heart goes crumbling down.