Its one feeling when you know you are going to disappoint people before you get your results but its another when you know you disappointed people after you get your results.

First of all, sorry for not updating in a long time, if anyone even reads to begin with. Secondly, what I am about to write might have been written before sometime in the past, because it seems familiar to me, as if I've wrote it before, yet, new.

Everyone of us human, carries a ruler. We do not see the ruler, we feel the ruler, however we cannot deny the existence of it, as much as we cannot shrink the responsibility of using it.

Whenever we see someone new that we know we will get to interact more with the future, we use this ruler. We measure them with this ruler, from every single detail that we know about them. Regardless, a conclusion is always made, even if a single sentence has not been made.

Now in society where everyone carries the ruler, the accuracy of the ruler is determined by how observant the user is, or so we thought. We think that the more we see, the more accurate we get to measure other people, while they measure us.

This forms into a really complex situation, where we are often biased against certain people, purely because we measured them "wrongly". For example, some people might condemn one to a lowly level just because he/she has a tattoo, or smokes. The worst of such people are those that condemns natural disabilities, such as the inability to fully utilisize all five of their senses.

In other cases, our ruler measures wrongly because we are misled. Because everyone of us measures every other person in this world, every person in this world knows that every other person is measuring him or her. So instead of presenting our "true self" for others to measure, we tend to cover the bad side of us and just show the good side.

While to some this is "fraud" to most people, it is probably a form of self-defence, for their pride and ego, not that it is a bad thing.

Weirdly, while we measure others using this ruler of ours, knowing that they are hiding their bad side and only showing their good, we still based our conclusion on whatever is measured. Isn't it akin to knowingly getting the wrong readings? Yet we live by those data everyday in our heads.

Perhaps we are naive and think that we see more than what others can hide, but honestly, never measure at first sight and believe you are right. Those one might consider as the scum of society could have a heart of gold, if they are talked to. And obviously those appear to be in the high ranks of society, could have a really bad personality.

How then, I wonder, do we measure correctly? Over time we may tell, but time is never on our side, jumping to conclusion is not a good habit, and yet it allows us to be mentally prepared for the most likely to happen thing.

Therefore, sometimes I wish I could have eyes that pierce right through the pretenses, the facade of others, to know immediately what to expect and sadly I know it'll never happen.

I'm sure, whichever part of the world you currently live in, you would have seen fallen leaves before. Or rather the motion of how an orange-red leaf glides in the air towards the floor in autumn or a brown leaf swaying its way towards the earth. Unless you live in the desert.

Usually, with a brush of the wind, the slight pressure applied causes the already loose leaf to drop off, its graceful movement through the air sometimes brings lots of sentiments to people, for it is slow, not rushed, graceful and seemingly relaxing.

Have you then, ever seen the wave the very same leaf fall, when it is raining?

Amazingly, at least to me, the water droplets that fall from the sky does not affect the falling of the leaf as much as I thought, or imagined. Instead of getting lop-sided due to the weight of the water droplets, it falls probably just as gracefully.

Either that, or spins non-stop.

I don't know much about rain, but one thing I'm sure of is, the water droplets in one area don't fall all at once. Given that, the leaf should have been hit in different rates at different locations.

Yet it remains aloof and graceful. How?

Why can't we be like the leaf? In life, you have no idea what crap it might throw at you, or hit you with, yet if we are what we are supposed to be, then no matter when the hit, at where, we continue our journey, seemingly undisturbed.

At the same time, if we lop-sided, each and every hit in life would turn us around, make us wonder, and in the long run, just like the leaf that spins in the rain. It never ever gets to stop, has no peace in life, for nothing helps its descend with no drag and eah hit seemcs to just continue spinning it.

Its lovely valentines! One day many believes is for love. To confess your love for the apple of your eye, to get together with what already is, and what will continue to be, a partner.

So writing all of that, and the fact that I'm writing, probably already signals to you that I'm alone, in front of the keyboard on such a lovely night. Its one of those days where you feel surprisingly empty, wanting a void to be filled, yet although you know what should be there, you don't know what you really want there.

Then again, I wouldn't really call this an empty night. Rather, its a night full of thoughts and reflections. Its just like the ones where you lie on your bed, unable to escape from reality and all you do is think. Random thoughts? Or heartaching ones?

They are what appears to be closest to the 'you' you don't want to show others.

Its disturbing though, to realise that no matter how much thinking I do, I arrive at the same conclusion, where I cannot forgive myself instead of trying to blame it upon others.

Really, it makes me wonder at times, if I'm suffering from depression.

Haha.

害怕失去，所以宁愿沉默不语。忍受痛苦，在夜里，自己偷偷哭泣？ 虽然逃跑并不是最好的解决方法，但我们都不能发否认它是最快最简单的方法。

到最后，因为不想失去，而逃避，知道不该逃避而困惑，左右为难。矛盾不宜。

真像电视剧。戏如人生，人生如戏。真实得很呀！

Watching a lot of korean dramas(KDrama) recently. And apparently their catch point, or their appeal factor, is those touching scenes where they want their audience to cry.

Pardon my bluntless and lack of tact in expressing that point. But yea, they want the audience to be as emotionally involved as the characters, with preferably tears overflowing.

Now knowing this point, this "motive" of the producers and KDrama makers, and being the egoistic, arrogant me, I decided I'm above them and are not going to fall for it. So suddenly I find myself rejecting the tears. I hold them back, I suppressing my feelings.

And surprise surprise. I don't feel exactly comfortable.

Now that I think of it, isn't this just like how life is? To standby what we know, what we think is correct, more often than not we need to suppress our feelings. Its happens in our everyday life.

As a student, playtime always appeal to us more. Our heart wants it, our brains say no, we need to study. I bet every student had at least had this struggle a few thousands times in their "career". After all, when we force ourselves to study, good results may be reaped, but at that moment in time, we're unhappy.

In work, many a times we need to look at things objectively and forgo personal feelings. Unfortunately we all know that is not easy to do. It is especially apparent in careers like the police, where law and justice stands before feelings for friends or family.

We should all know how to control our hormones. But the truth is, we feel better when our hormones control us.

Even if its for that short period.