I think I did it.

I think I threw away all and every minute chance possible for me to get back the answers I really wanted. Flushing them straight out, locking them straight down. All those questions, perhaps never to look back again.

But the pursuit of knowledge has haunted mankind since the dawn of time. It is what causes, and makes the difference between that one guy who stepped out and got killed by a lion and the other who stepped out and found a haven. I am but no exception.

First and foremost... WHAT HAPPENED?

It seems kind of embarrassing that till date I still don't really knew what tipped the scales. Yes I have a clue. But that was just a small feather to the scale, at least to me, to date, what I think. Perhaps it was just but a small action that caused a series of never-look-back reactions.

Next, and most common of all... HOW?
Essentially its the same question I guess? But how did whatever happened cause whatever reactions? Its like seeing a chemistry experiment going wrong and having absolutely no idea what was in the apparatus, how did it react that way, which leads me to the next question.

WHY?
Was I mixing in the wrong solutions to begin with? Or was I totally oblivious to what I'm actually messing around with? I often pride myself as a being a quick judge, even if the judgement imposed isn't the most accurate, because it allows for a quick good evaluation of something someone that I'm about to face. Did I go totally and utterly wrong? Because if that's really the case I need to change my schema, concepts, everything I learnt in my life about judging people and things. Because to go so horribly wrong, entails a horrible judgement that I guess, should never be used again.

Is there any way to clean up the mess?
Or perhaps, I should say, was there any way to clean up the mess? Could I have done anything, nothing, everything, whenever, whatever that could actually help? Or was I upon a doomed path the moment I picked the wrong fork? So much for being proud of being a avid gamer who only plays games that requires real-time decision making.

Last but not least, is the question to myself that I probably will never be able to answer.
Could things have been different if I had done this instead of that, turned left instead of right?
Maybe? With a large percentage of no. It was probably like trying to scale Mt.Everest without proper training. Could I have made it? If I trained diligently everyday a few months prior to the trip. Maybe yes. Maybe if I had the discipline, the patience, the endurance, the determination, yes. Otherwise? Hah. Doesn't take a genius to understand the stupidity of such an aim. But was there a possibility? I can't help but feeling yes, if I played my cards right from the start.

I guess hindsight is always 20/20 and perhaps I should never blame myself.

When all's said and done, I'll understand someday, the game was lost the second intentions were known. Which is actually pretty ironic actually. Which player would play a game of chess with you without the intention of winning (actually I can think of a few, but I digress)? Isn't there right there and then the open intention being known to both players?

How then could I say the game was lost the second intentions were known?

Too many questions, too little answers. I send them away, and bury them deep(hopefully). But here in the safe haven of mine. It shall (hopefully, again) never be lost and if one day fate decides to take pity on me and let me have the answers I thought I shall never see, I won't regret throwing it into the depths of the sea.