Looking Back

This shall not be a post of oral diary. This shall be a post of thoughts and thinking. Maybe it would be damn short, or perhaps damn long. I honestly have no idea. Nothing is organized in my brains now. You may see topic hopping. Don't say i didn't warn you.

I have enjoyed a whole week with choir people. From Sunday dance practice all the way to yesterday. It has been a whole 7 days. And these 7 days, i have really enjoyed it. Especially on the last 6. 6 times a week. It might happen just once in my life. And now its over. I wonder if I've really cherished it.

Sometimes, i really feel that I'm at a lost. A total lost. I have no idea how to carry on. But i don't want to give up either. Somewhere up there in my brains are saying its alright to be "Just a friend" but the heart wants to go further than that, knowing that I'll just be finding trouble. Trouble that can be avoided with regret.

So maybe it really depends on what i want. Regret for a long time or just accept whatever that comes my way... Or maybe, its just wishful thinking on my part. Perhaps things weren't this simple after all. Perhaps, everything was even more complicated that it seems. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Why don't i even have a strong determination to make everything clear? Sometimes i really feel that everything, everything that has gone wrong, is mostly my fault.

From Monday chinese test to Tuesday's SCH practice to Wednesday's St.Gabs's practice to Thursday's SingOut! to Friday's Celebration to Saturday's performance. These 6 days. I'll never forget them. I promise. Truefully.

可能是爱得太深，可能是笨得无可就要

People, sorry to inform you this. In such a way even. But i still have to say this. I may not be going to the class chalet. BOTH class chalets. There are problems yet to solve. Personal problems, family problems, financial problems. I believe going to class chalet would cause a very big chain reaction. But I promise, I'll try my best. If i can go. I would go.

I'm sorry for making things complicated. I know the worst things organizers want is unconfirmed people. But I really cannot help it. I've always tried to give an answer immediately when people organize things. I don't like to make things hard for people. but trust me, this time, its different. Some decisions cannot be made 'just like that'.

I don't know what's happening. I supposed to be relaxed since its the holidays already, but the busy weeks have turned me even more stressed than normal schooldays. And normal schooldays means excluding the extended lessons.

I may not have shown it, or maybe i have. But i do find my ways to relieve my stress. And most of them are through singing. But these few weeks, when Choral singing is on my mind most of the time, i don't seem to sing much songs already. Until damn recently.

Since i sing songs to destress most of the time, listening to the songs that i sing may jolly well describe my thinking. If its damn emo songs, which are most oftenly sang, means that there are lots of things on my mind and i don't know how to solve them out. Damn happy or high songs meant that I've thrown cares away and decided to immerse in entertainment until i have to face the music.

Very good at running perhaps. But since young, I've know that i cannot keep running. In fact, I've known so much theory that i can't believe my life is in such a mess.

可能有些事，真的是早已安排
而不是事在人为。 可能，我们真的不能逆天而行


想爱却不敢爱。
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